Reliving The Life You Lost
by Crimson1
Summary: Goku's memory becomes that of his younger, Heavensent self, and changes all of their lives for the better, though not without one hell of ride to reach that happy ending. R&R! 93 and 58!
1. 1

RELIVING THE LIFE YOU LOST  
  
"Goku, wake up..."  
  
"Come on, ya little twerp!"  
  
"Damn it, bakazaru, how do you always end up doing something stupid like this?"  
  
"Shush, Sanzo. I think he's finally coming around."  
  
Drearily, queer, golden eyes flutter open, and a cringe of pain signals that their owner is well aware of the large bump on the back of his head. He shakes his weariness away, causing a few stray strands of brown hair to fall over his forehead, though he still can't seem to clear his thoughts properly. He looks back and forth between his comrades with a dazed expression, as if his vision is still clouded.  
  
Since they had been driving over particularly rough terrain, Hakkai had been steering as carefully as he could for the past few miles. Nonetheless, when Goku foolishly stood up on his seat during one of his many pointless fights with Gojyo, a rather nasty bump sent him flying backwards out of the jeep.  
  
After screeching to a halt, the three remaining members of the Sanzo-ikkou had sprinted towards their fallen companion with great concern, discovering him completely unconscious in the dusty, red dirt.  
  
Finally, he is awake, but everything is definitely NOT okay.  
  
"Goku...? Are you alright?" Hakkai asks tenderly, surveying his young friend's bewildered expression. "You hit your head pretty hard. How do you feel?"  
  
Goku swallows and rubs his eyes, still looking at the others as if not quite recognizing them. "I think I'm okay." answers an oddly small voice for one usually so boisterous. "Why do all of you look so strange?"  
  
"What are you talking about, saru?" Gojyo sneers, his ever-present cigarette dangling out of his mouth as if it might fall at any moment. "That bump on your head screw up your vision, or something?"  
  
"I...I don't think so..."  
  
"Well, if you're not hurt, hurry and get up." Sanzo barks, folding his arms over his chest with authority. "We don't have all day. Let's get back in the jeep."  
  
Goku doesn't move, still seated in the dirt like a child in a sandbox waiting for someone to come and play with him. "Jeep? Ne, Konzen, where are we, anyway?"  
  
The other three instantly freeze in place, staring down at him with varying degrees of uncomprehending shock.  
  
"Nani?" Goku whines, looking fearfully up at their devastated faces. "Why are you all looking at me like that. Ken-niichan? Ten-chan? Konzen, what's wrong?"  
  
Hesitantly, Hakkai kneels down beside Goku in the dirt, and smiles his most reassuring smile. "Ano...Goku, don't you know who we are?"  
  
"Of course I do. I just said your names, didn't I?"  
  
"Those weren't our names, saru." Gojyo explains, clearly concerned, no matter how much Goku annoys him most of the time. "You must have hit your head harder than we thought."  
  
Goku laughs nervously, certain his friends are having fun at his expense. "Baka." he smiles. "I'm not stupid. You may look a little funny, but you're still you. Who else would you be?"  
  
The serious looks on all of their faces unnerves Goku greatly, though, and he slowly begins to realize they are not playing around.

Gojyo keeps looking to Hakkai for answers, Hakkai in turn is having a very difficult time keeping his characteristic smile from wavering, and Sanzo has backed up a full three feet from the rest of the group, as if afraid to get too close.  
  
Still kneeling on the ground, Hakkai takes Goku's hand in his and pats it lovingly, trying his best to remain calm. "Don't worry, Goku, a few things have just fallen out of your head for the moment. I'm sure it's only temporary. I'm Hakkai, remember? And this is Gojyo..." He gestures to the tall red-head beside him. "...and Sanzo." And then back to the retreating monk. "Now, do those names sound familiar?"  
  
His large eyes suddenly becoming very damp, Goku trembles, his hand shaking almost too much for Hakkai to hold onto. "Sanzo...?" he repeats, looking towards his guardian warily.  
  
"That's right." Hakkai nods. "Hakkai, Gojyo, and Sanzo. We're on a journey to the west to stop evil youkai from disrupting the earth's balance." he explains, deciding to leave out the fine details of their mission. "We use that jeep for transportation, though it's really a small, white dragon in disguise named Hakuryuu. Remember Hakuryuu? You feed him scraps under the table during dinner. As long as you don't eat everything yourself, that is." Hakkai's smile broadens, but Goku is far from comforted.  
  
"Maybe we should keep going, Hakkai." Gojyo offers, peering down the path they had been traveling on. "We're almost to town. I can see the lights from here. Let's just wait til we get there, then we can figure out what's going on away from all this sun and sand. Ne?"  
  
Hakkai sighs in agreement, standing up slowly, and helps Goku to his feet as well with a gentle tug. Slowly, the four climb back inside the jeep, all remaining silent for the remainder of the trip to town. Hakkai repeatedly casts glances at the rearview mirror, catching a glimpse of a huddled Goku curled into a very tight ball in the backseat, next to a very worried Gojyo who doesn't have a clue as to how he can help.  
  
As for Sanzo, he has yet to say a word, and though Goku's gold eyes often dart over the blonde's still form in the seat in front of him, the monk merely stares straight ahead with no emotion on his stern face.  
  
Needless to say, it is not a pleasant ride, and everyone breathes relief when they at last park outside an inviting Inn with many attached, personal cottages, and work their way inside to claim one as theirs.  
  
"Now, Goku, why don't you tell us who YOU think we are?" Hakkai prompts, after they had settled themselves into one of the cottages.  
  
They are seated in a small living room that connects to a kitchen, with doors to two bedrooms and one bathroom lining the walls around them. Sanzo is leaning against the wall, Gojyo is sitting on the arm of a rather ratty couch, and Goku and Hakkai are seated on it.  
  
They have yet to assign rooms or make anything for dinner, though a meal is long overdue, and frankly, even if they _had_ stopped to make something, none of them would have had the stomach to eat it.  
  
"Well...you're not Hakkai, Gojyo, and Sanzo." Goku begins meekly, keeping his eyes cast down. "You're Tenpou, Kenren, and Konzen. I live with Konzen because Kanzeon Bosatsu put him in charge of me. Konzen does alot of paperwork, and Kenren and Tenpou are the general and marshal of Heaven's Western army--"  
  
"Heaven?!" Gojyo interrupts, nearly losing his cigarette from between his lips.  
  
"Let him talk, Gojyo." Hakkai breaks in, and then turns back to Goku with that same warm, soothing smile. "Please, keep going."  
  
Goku responds a bit better to the smile this time, and finally looks as if he might be relaxing. "That's about it, actually. I know something happened to all of us, something bad, but...I can't remember."  
  
"So...we're gods?" Gojyo asks incredulously.  
  
"You're not now?" Goku responds, which naturally results in Gojyo doubling over with laughter, practically sending him off the arm of the couch to writhe on the floor.  
  
Sanzo, however, does not find any of this very funny. "What's wrong with him, Hakkai? Why doesn't he remember THIS life?"  
  
Goku perks up at the sound of Sanzo's voice, considering he hasn't spoken since they got here, and looks to his caretaker with eyes of pure adoration.  
  
Sanzo ignores him. "How do we get him back to normal?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Sanzo, but I have no idea." Hakkai admits, standing from his spot on the couch. "The only thing I can think of is to wait it out. It seems he's caught in the memories of the life he led before you found him in that cave. It would seem that we are reincarnations of his companions from that time. It makes sense, in a way, though I have no idea why gods would be sent into the cycle of reincarnation, or why Goku was imprisoned instead of joining our fate. Maybe we'll never know."  
  
"Who cares?" Gojyo whines, having clawed his way back from the clutches of overly-induced laughter. "Let's just eat and call it an early night. I'm starving and exhausted, and I don't really feel like dealing with a past life right now."  
  
"You're right, Gojyo, a good meal and rest is exactly what we need." Hakkai agrees, and then looks down at Goku, who is still on the couch. "You can share a room with me tonight, okay?"  
  
Goku is definitely looking better, especially after that mention of food, and he hops up from the couch with a growing smile of his own. "That's okay, Ten-chan. I know you'd much rather share with Ken-niichan."  
  
After taking a moment to register who Goku is referring to with those names, Gojyo offers a rather bemused response. "And why the hell would he prefer me, saru?"  
  
"Because you're so close to each other."  
  
"What do you mean?" Hakkai questions.  
  
"Well...you two ARE really close, ne?"  
  
"I suppose so." Hakkai admits cautiously, still not quite sure what Goku is implying.  
  
"We've been living together for the past few years, if that's what you mean." Gojyo adds.  
  
Goku seems oddly disturbed by these answers, and looks back and forth at Gojyo and Hakkai with a scrutinizing, golden gaze. "I don't understand. Don't you love each other anymore?"  
  
Gojyo, Hakkai, and yes, even Sanzo, immediately face-fault. "Lo...love?!" Gojyo cries, having finally lost his cigarette with the extent of shock plastered on his face. "What the hell are you talking about?!"  
  
Gradually, the truth begins to dawn on Hakkai, who has taken in Goku's words with the most dignity out of the three, and he crouches down a little to look directly into Goku's eyes as he speaks. "Goku...are you saying that Gojyo and I--Kenren and Tenpou--were lovers?"  
  
Gojyo falls off the edge of the couch with a thud.  
  
"Not just lovers." Goku explains. "IN love! You're the one who explained the difference to me, Ten-chan. You said that being lovers didn't always mean much, but that if you were lovers IN love you had something special and irre...irreplaceable." At these words, Goku blushes and lowers his gaze to the floor. "I really embarrassed Konzen when I talked to _him_ about it."  
  
Hakkai's somewhat paled face turns to Sanzo, and Gojyo--who has since recovered himself from the floor--looks to the monk, as well.  
  
Sanzo shifts nervously under their collective gaze, finally walking a bit closer to the group to address Goku directly, something he has yet to do since discovering that the youthful brunette is not the saru he knows so well.  
  
"What exactly did you say...?" the stern blonde demands, piercing his violet gaze down upon Goku's bent, brown head.  
  
"I...I said...

---  
  
"Konzen, I don't want us to be lovers."  
  
Dropping his stack of papers onto the floor, Konzen blanches. "Nani?! Who ever said we would be, saru?!"  
  
The blonde god had been sitting languidly on his overstuffed couch, working on piled up paperwork and completely ignoring his charge, who had been seated next to him, and who is now climbing eagerly onto his lap.  
  
Though Konzen tenses at this invasion of space, he does NOT push Goku away.  
  
"Ore wa...ai shiteru, Konzen." Goku sighs, bravely laying his head against Konzen's chest. "I know I do. And...if we have something special and irre...irreplaceable...then just being lovers would be terrible. I'm in love with YOU, not what's in your pans."  
  
Konzen raises a golden eyebrow, not comprehending Goku's meaning, though he very quickly deciphers what the monkey is actually trying to say. "That's PANTS, bakazaru, not PANS. And what do you know about it anyway?"  
  
"Iie, Konzen, I'm sure it was pans, because I love your cooking. What would I want from inside your pants?"  
  
Repressing a laugh that would have been far to uncharacteristic, Konzen shakes his head, still not responding to Goku's close proximity, but not scolding him for it, either. "Nevermind. Just...don't talk to Kenren anymore. I don't like him filling your head with all this nonsense."  
  
"Demo...Tenpou's the one who explained all of this to me, not Kenren. Although...I guess the pans thing WAS him..."  
  
"Wait!" Konzen breaks in. "Tenpou? What did HE tell you?"  
  
"Well...I went to wake him up this morning because he said he'd go for a walk with me while you were busy, and when I got there, Kenren was in his bed with him."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Daijobu." Goku grins, looking happily up at his guardian, blissfully ignorant of what he had actually walked in on that morning. "When I asked Tenpou why they slept together, he told me they were lovers, but that they were also IN love. He said that if they were just lovers, Kenren would have left afterwards. He wouldn't tell me after what, though."  
  
Konzen shakes his head again, his eyes glinting maliciously. "I'm going to kill him for this."  
  
"Don't be angry, Konzen." Goku reassures. "Tenpou was just telling me what I wanted to know. And...even though I don't really know what lovers do, I know I want with you what Kenren and Tenpou have with each other. I love you, and I want everything that goes with it."  
  
Try as he may, Konzen cannot keep himself from blushing. His cheeks, his ears, and down the base of his neck, become bright red, and he stares dumbly back at Goku, with no words to offer as encouragement or rejection.  
  
"Daijobu." Goku grins again, wrapping his arms around Konzen's reddened neck. "Ten-chan told me that I have to wait til I'm older for us to be together the way him and Ken-niichan are. I don't mind at all, either, cause I love you enough to wait as long as it takes." Braver still, Goku swiftly plants a soft kiss on Konzen's cheek.  
  
Even redder than before, Konzen is utterly petrified. "Ba...baka. Why do you affect me like this...?" he whispers, staring in disbelief at Goku's warm, gold eyes and charming smile.  
  
They remain that way for a long time before Konzen at last has the will to move, and once he is in control of his body again, he makes the almost impossible choice of pulling Goku in against him for a caring hug, tightly to his chest.  
  
"I...I love you back...you stupid, annoying monkey. Heaven help me...I love you back..."

---  
  
All save Goku are thoroughly stunned, and Sanzo has turned white as a freshly-starched sheet.  
  
It is one thing to have Goku acting so strange; it is another entirely to have him telling them tales of their romantic--and in some cases, erotic--encounters with each other. Especially, since none of them can remember those past lives, nor can they imagine what those former selves once felt.  
  
Goku is blessedly ignorant to the nature of his friends' reactions, and continues smiling away, beaming up at all of them. Finally, realizing the others are too tongue-tied to speak, he turns to Sanzo, speaking with only the smallest semblance of hesitation.  
  
"Ne...you love me, don't you, Konzen?"  
  
Sanzo is borderline livid. "I am NOT Konzen, damn it!! Get it through your head! Whoever I was, whoever Konzen was, he died years ago."  
  
"Demo...you...you ARE Konzen!" Goku insists, latching childishly onto Sanzo's arm. "Don't you remember...loving me...?"  
  
"I DON'T LOVE YOU!!" screeches a venomous reply, forceful enough to knock Goku back as his hands slip forlornly from Sanzo's sleeve. The finality of those words rings in the air like a windchime tossed in the breeze, sustaining itself long after the silence has become unbearable. "How could I love you?" Sanzo sneers. "I can barely stand you."  
  
Instantly welling up with merciless tears, Goku backs away, finally turning and sprinting from the room, and leaving behind only a final, desperately angry, whispered word. "...kisama..."  
  
Tangible silence overcomes once again; Sanzo cold and unwilling to meet the others' gaze; Gojyo in pure shock at the directness of Sanzo's words; and Hakkai nearly as hurt as Goku by the monk's complete disregard for human emotion and frailty.  
  
"Sanzo...don't you think that was a little harsh?" the brunette inquires, playing his usual role as concerned caregiver.  
  
"No kidding." Gojyo agrees, jumping on the scold-Sanzo bandwagon eagerly. "The monkey may be talking nonsense, but you didn't have to crush him like that."  
  
Sanzo gives no reply, but Hakkai takes an obvious step back, seemingly disturbed by Gojyo's choice of words. "Nonsense...?"  
  
Turning towards Hakkai somewhat offguard at being questioned, Gojyo fumbles for an explanation. "Well...yeah. I mean, me and you lovers? That's crazy, ne?" he laughs nervously, scratching the back of his crimson head out of habit. "Who'd ever believe something like that?"  
  
Without another word, Hakkai turns on his heels and walks out of the room, leaving behind the smallest traces of the hurt that had been present on his face.  
  
"What did I say?" Gojyo calls after him, though obviously, he does not reach his intended listener.  
  
Now that it is only him and Sanzo in the room, the half-youkai turns to his companion for answers, and maybe even a little sympathy--though both possibilities are highly improbable. Sanzo, naturally, refuses to even meet his stare. Coldly, the monk turns to leave as well, and soon, Gojyo is the only one left.  
  
"Perfect." he groans, plopping down on the floor right where he had been standing. "Just perfect..."

tbc...

Crim


	2. 2

Hakkai is sitting quietly on the porch outside, not particularly looking at anything, and seemingly not thinking of anything, either. He is resting on the second to the last step, leaning back on the ones behind him, and has his hands folded neatly in his lap, as if he is merely wasting the day away with little care to how it passes.  
  
This is far from the truth, of course, for behind his placid smile and vacant eyes is a mind furiously thinking over the recent events in his life: Goku regressing to his past-life persona; the little monkey then expressing his love for Sanzo--Konzen--right before explaining that Hakkai and Gojyo were full-out lovers themselves; Sanzo crushing Goku's spirit into the ground; and...Gojyo crushing Hakkai's heart right along with it.  
  
Why he feels so hurt, Hakkai can't quite figure out. Certainly, he has never entertained ideas of being involved romantically with Gojyo. Has he...? He often finds himself fighting off waves of jealousy every time Gojyo comes back from spending the night with some random woman, but that's only because it reminds him that he no longer has a woman of his own...isn't it? It couldn't be because...secretly...he envies those women...  
  
"Hakkai..."  
  
The mentally occupied brunette stiffens. This voice is the last one he wants to hear right now.  
  
"Hakkai--"  
  
"Do you need something, Gojyo?" he jumps in quickly, turning briskly to his companion with a large smile.  
  
Gojyo has come up behind him and is standing at the top of the porch, looking down at him awkwardly. Well, at least he had been looking down awkwardly. Now, his expression shifts to one of obvious frustration and anger. "Oh no you don't..." he growls. "Wipe that fucking, plastic smile off your face right now! I know you're mad at me, so just show it. Scream, curse, punch me in the face. Frown, for crying out loud!"  
  
Returning his gaze directly, without flinching, Hakkai's smile wavers only enough to prove that he is sorely tempted to take Gojyo up on his offer. "I...don't know what you mean." he covers, unable to give in to that desire.  
  
"Fuck you." Gojyo growls again, darkly from under his breath. "What the hell do you want from me...?"  
  
"I don't want anything from you, Gojyo." Hakkai admits honestly, turning away to stare out at the glum scenery once more. "I have never asked anything of you, and yet you continue to give...and take..."  
  
He trails off, and silence blankets them during the tension of the following moments, mirroring the clouds beginning to cover the barren rays of autumn sun. Gojyo has no reply. No words. So, for once, instead of merely allowing his tongue to choose his next path, he thinks over his words before speaking.  
  
Sitting down cautiously next to Hakkai on the steps, he makes a point to keep a good foot between them, and calms himself down enough to handle this without allowing his temper to flare again.  
  
"Hakkai..." he begins softly, barely believing he is about to discuss what he must. "...do you...have feelings for me? Is that why you stormed out? Do you...want us to--"  
  
"I don't want anything, Gojyo. Must I say it again?"  
  
"Then be honest with me." Gojyo presses, surprised at how desperate he sounds. "I saw the hurt in your eyes. You may be able to smile it off now, but I know I hurt you. Just...tell me why. Tell me the truth."  
  
The truth. Everyone talks about it as if it is the simplest thing in the world, but when a person has to deal with it themselves, that misconception falls short. The truth is not easy, especially when you are putting more than just your pride on the line.  
  
Hakkai knows what the truth is, somehow, somewhere, buried deep in the parts of his mind where he is most afraid to go looking. Yes, the truth is there, and now that Goku has forced him to reassess his relationship with a certain red-haired kappa, that truth is no longer something he can ignore.  
  
"The truth...the truth is...I was hurt...because...because you treated the idea so flippantly." Hakkai admits. "Do I mean...that little to you, Gojyo...?"  
  
"Little?" Gojyo repeats. "Hakkai, you're the first real friend I ever had. The first person I trusted after...what happened to me."  
  
"Then...why? Why sneer at the idea? Is it that horrible to imagine being with someone like me?"  
  
Gojyo doesn't even need to think of an answer for that one. "No!" he protests, instantly feeling far too exposed for having said it so passionately. "I mean...well...the reason I said what I said...the way I said it...was because...I was sure you'd be disgusted by the idea. I thought...if I didn't act like it was the stupidest thing in the world...you'd think...you'd think I--"  
  
"Wanted me?"  
  
"...yeah."  
  
Shyly, Gojyo flicks his crimson eyes to catch a glimpse of Hakkai's face, and discovers that the quiet brunette is staring directly back at him with an intensity that almost seems to say, '...what if I want you to want me...?'  
  
Swallowing, Gojyo flicks his eyes away again, down at his hands, which he has been absently wringing in his lap. "I thought you said...you didn't want anything from me." he speaks, barely above a whisper, proving that he has finally found himself in a situation he cannot cheat his way through.  
  
"I don't." Hakkai replies, tender as always, though oddly serious, without the usual veil to his demeanor, and still with his eyes trained on Gojyo's avoiding face. "I don't want anything you can't give. But...that doesn't mean I'd reject what you have to offer."  
  
Loaded silence. Extremely loaded. Hakkai has put himself out on a very weak limb, leaving everything up to Gojyo. It is a foolish, though brave act.  
  
Gojyo swallows again, hard, and finds it somehow difficult to breathe. This is Hakkai, his best friend, admitting something unbelievably impossible coming from him.  
  
Impossible: yes. Unwanted: ...  
  
"So...umm...if...if I offered...?"  
  
_'Shit. What the hell am I saying?'_ Gojyo panics, repressing shivers and intuitions telling him to take those words back. But...he can't take them back. Deep down, he knows he is only saying what he feels, but he never once thought he would be feeling this.  
  
Then, suddenly, he feels something else. A hand, nobly callused, though still gentle, runs its fingertips over the back of his, causing even more shivers to tickle his spine. He doesn't move or react outright, but he allows that hand the control it has taken, until it at last laces their fingers together, tightly, possessively, and perfectly fit.  
  
"I'd say 'yes'."  
  
Gojyo turns his head, staring in disbelief at Hakkai's vigilant stare, and then down at their linked hands. It all seems so surreal, but he knows it isn't. He feels the warmth of it, how fitting it is for them to be this way, and despite himself, he grins, lopsided and full of boyish charm. Lifting his free hand up to Hakkai's face, he runs his thumb over his friend's smooth jawline, testing reality. Then, hoping to prove once and for all whether or not this is merely a fantastical dream, he begins to lean forward...  
  
Hakkai pulls back, still holding Gojyo's hand, though now out of reach of the other. "S-Sumimasen." he stumbles, addressing the confused expression on Gojyo's pouting face. "It's just...I haven't been with anyone since...I mean...I haven't even kissed anyone since..."  
  
"Hey, it's okay. I understand." Gojyo reassures, squeezing Hakkai's still clasped hand with his. "This is all a little weird anyway. Besides, I don't have to be a hornball all the time, ya know? When we first met, I told you that you were the last man I would I ever bring to bed--the first, too, by the way--and I plan to keep it like that. Ano...that doesn't mean we have to jump into bed or anything. We don't have to kiss, or...anything, 'cause...well...ahh...oh, shit. I can't believe I'm getting flustered over a guy." he grumbles, a slight bit of color rising to his cheeks. "Just so you know, past-life be damned, you are the only guy who could ever turn me off women."  
  
Releasing a pleased laugh, Hakkai nudges Gojyo playfully in the side. "Is that a promise?" he asks, only half teasing.  
  
For a moment, Gojyo gets a very contemplative look on his face, and then, as if hardly believing it himself, replies. "Actually...I think it is."  
  
Hakkai cocks his head, surveying the adorably perplexed look on Gojyo's face. "How easily you change from charmingly coy...to incredibly seductive."  
  
Now it is Gojyo's turn to release a laugh. "Well, I always was shameless."  
  
With a contented sigh of agreement, Hakkai pulls himself in close to his friend, sitting side by side with him on the step, with none of the space that had so recently been between them. Tentatively, he lays his head on the redhead's shoulder. "Be as shameless as you want." he smiles. "I wouldn't want you to be anyone but you, Kenren."  
  
Beat. Both stiffen at the release of that name, flowing so easily out of Hakkai's mouth, as if it is the most natural utterance in the world. "Wha...what did you call me...?" Gojyo breathes.  
  
Tilting his head up to meet that crimson gaze, Hakkai's face pales stark-white. And yet, as their eyes meet, neither find themselves angry, or hurt, or frightened at that slip of the cosmic tongue. Instead, they gradually begin to chuckle, and in barely no time at all, they are practically doubled over each other laughing.  
  
Sometimes, even Fate has a sense of humor.  
  
-----  
  
Feeling much more relaxed and capable of handling others' misfortunes now that his own are in working order, Hakkai makes his way through the rooms of the small cottage until at last coming to the one Sanzo had stormed into after Goku stormed into the other one.  
  
Obviously, if things aren't worked out soon, three of them will be sharing one room while the perturbed monk sulks alone in his. As far as Hakkai is concerned, he would much rather have Goku with Sanzo, partly for their sakes, and partly so he can be alone with Gojyo. It isn't entirely selfish, but he certainly acknowledges that half of his argument for knocking on the door in front of him is for his own benefit.  
  
Knock. Knock.  
  
No answer. Not that Hakkai is surprised; he didn't expect one. However, though politeness warranted the knock, he sees no reason to wait for admittance.  
  
"Feeling guilty?" he asks of Sanzo's back, considering the monk is siting on his bed facing the window on the other side of the room.  
  
Sanzo makes no move to turn. "What do you want, Hakkai?" he demands, cheerful as always.  
  
"People keep asking me that today." Hakkai smiles, reminiscing over what had just occurred on the porch. He pushes the thoughts aside quickly, though, and enters fully, shutting the door behind him. "Did you really mean all those harsh things you said to him?" he asks, knowing there is no need to say who 'he' is.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it!" Sanzo snaps, still glaring daggers into the glass of his window. "Go away. Pester that redheaded cockroach, why don't you?"  
  
"Now, now. If I did that, one thing might lead to another, and Goku could end up being right. Lying to yourself would be so much harder then, don't you think?"  
  
"Go away." Sanzo growls, his tone as lethal as one of those demon-killing bullets he depends on so much.  
  
Hakkai takes a step closer to the bed. "You _do_ love him."  
  
"I said, go away!" Sanzo cries, whipping around maliciously, and hating how his venom somehow falls short the moment amethyst meets emerald, and the moment his hardened frown meets that damndable smile. "This is none of your business, and what goes on between you and that half-breed is none of mine."  
  
"Hn, it's funny how you aren't denying it."  
  
Now this is too much. Sanzo leaps off the bed, getting right in Hakkai's face in obvious challenge to the brunette's insolent behavior. "Then I WILL deny it! I don't love that fucking monkey!!"  
  
Not even flinching, Hakkai folds his arms neatly over his chest, allowing his smile to become a little crooked. "You're lying."  
  
"Damn you, Hakkai!"  
  
"No, Sanzo. Damn you." the brunette throws back, in a very steady tone, which completely contrasts with Sanzo's tangible temper. "What are you afraid of? You can't be afraid of rejection; Goku's feelings for you are more than clear. So, what is it? I certainly hope you aren't acting this way to save yourself the possible pain of one day losing his love through...let's say...death?"  
  
Sanzo's face instantly goes blank, and the momentum that had been balancing him so precariously close to Hakkai tips, rocking him back on his heels.  
  
"I thought as much."  
  
Quite clearly, Sanzo's hands form into angry fists, crunching sickeningly as the knuckles crack from tension and over-use. "Leave me alone, Hakkai. You don't know shit about me or why I do what I do!"  
  
"You may be surprised."  
  
"Hakkai--!"  
  
"I am not going to leave this alone, Sanzo." Hakkai affirms loudly--louder than one would expect from a man who usually appears so held together.  
  
In response, there is a blur of rapid movement and the faintest rustling of clothing. Before Hakkai can even imagine blinking, Sanzo's beloved gun is free of its hiding place, pointed threateningly between his eyes. Sanzo cocks the weapon with a resonating click. "Yes...you are." he breathes, not as a command or a warning, but as a promise.  
  
Hakkai makes no move to back down, and offers no expression of fear or surprise. Gradually, his arms fall to his sides, and the tight knitting of his eyebrows increases, changing from determination to pity. Still, he does not admit defeat.  
  
He would never admit defeat.  
  
"Is it so hard for you to distinguish friend from foe?"  
  
No response; Sanzo's hand is rock-steady.  
  
"Fine. Have it your way." Hakkai breathes, narrowing eyes that never seem capable of catching a smile, even when one is planted firmly on his face. He turns and begins walking for the door then, but pauses as his hand reaches for the knob. "I just hope you realize what you may be giving up."  
  
Slam. Hakkai is out the door with more force than usual, due to frustration and genuine concern. For a long time, Sanzo stares after his companion, as if hoping to somehow burn a hole through the wood.  
  
No such luck.  
  
With a half-strangled howl, he hurls his gun into the floor. "Fuck!"  
  
-----  
  
Knock. Knock. "Anybody home?" Gojyo calls merrily, wearing his most charming smile and speaking as pleasantly as possible.  
  
He is standing just INSIDE Goku's claimed room, knocking AFTER having opened the door, and only in order to alert the younger boy of his presence.

Goku doesn't turn, facing towards his window much as Sanzo had been when Hakkai attempted the same thing Gojyo is attempting now.  
  
"Maybe I'm just going nuts, but...if you want to talk about it...I'll listen." the redhead continues, nudging the door closed as he walks over to the bed and sits down on the edge beside his troubled friend.  
  
Goku feels the shift in weight as Gojyo joins him, and the tears he had been holding back begin again as he suddenly turns and buries his face in Gojyo's chest.  
  
Tensing at first, Gojyo isn't quite sure what to make of this show of attachment, but putting his usual tendencies aside, he quells his need to tease the demure monkey, and instead, wraps his arms affectionately around the boy's shivering shoulders.  
  
"Wh...why doesn't he...love me anymore...?" Goku sniffles, his words half muffled by the folds of Gojyo's shirt.  
  
"Who says he doesn't?"  
  
"...he did."  
  
The monkey makes a point. "Well...what does he know, anyway." Gojyo dismisses, giving the boy an extra firm squeeze. "He's just confused, that's all. He's afraid."  
  
"Konzen...afraid...?" Goku repeats, as if the very idea is the most absurd thing imaginable.  
  
Gojyo represses a sneer. "It IS possible, ya know? Hell, I was downright petrified today after all that stuff you told us. But ya know what? I got over it. And eventually, Sanzo will, too."  
  
"You don't know that..." Goku counters, but trails off almost immediately, suddenly pulling back, though still with his small hands clutching Gojyo's shirt. "You...got over it?" he asks, his mouth halfway to the ground in pleased shock.  
  
"Yeah, well...Hakkai and I had a nice, long talk about what you said, and--"  
  
"You realized how much you love him and how much he loves you and that you can't possibly live without each other?"  
  
A red eyebrow raises itself skeptically, and Gojyo does all he can to keep from laughing at the monkey's hurried words. "Okay." he concedes slowly, barely able to refrain from blushing, as well.  
  
Goku, on the other hand, blushes deeply all the way from his cheeks to his collarbone, embarrassed at being so enraptured by the idea of his friends confessing their love for one another. "Gomen..." he whispers sheepishly. "I'm just...happy for you."  
  
"And happy you were right, which means you might also be right about droopy-eyes, ne?"  
  
"...hai."  
  
Gojyo returns Goku's bashful smile with one of his own and carefully uncoils his arms from around the boy's shoulders while prying the monkey's fists from clamping onto his shirt, until they are at last sitting side by side on the mattress.  
  
The conversation is far from over, but Gojyo isn't quite sure how to ask the other questions on his mind.

"Ano...uhhh....what...what exactly happened between you and this Konzen, anyway? I mean, you're pretty young, ne? Younger than the Goku I know. Too young to have had some steamy love affair, if ya ask me."  
  
"I'm not _that_ young!" Goku whines, but immediately realizes just how valid of an argument Gojyo is making. "Gomen. I...I know you're right. When I look in the mirror, I can't help wondering where all the years went. I was alot younger in my time."  
  
"So..." Gojyo presses.  
  
"So what? We never did the things you and Tenpou used to do, if that's what you're asking."  
  
Gojyo smirks, tossing the boy a rather naughty wink. "Ahh, so you DO know what lovers do together."  
  
The shade of red still clinging to Goku's face deepens a shade darker. "Hai. You explained it after you found out about Konzen and me. He was really mad at you, too. He didn't want me getting any ideas until I was older. Well...I AM older now...but I don't remember growing up...and...Konzen...Sanzo...doesn't want me."  
  
At risk of displaying perhaps a bit too much affection towards the monkey, Gojyo slips a comforting arm around Goku's shoulders. "Give him time, saru." he smiles, using the nickname in an almost endearing tone of voice. "Don't worry too much about your memories, either. Whatever comes next, it'll all work out."  
  
"I'm not so sure about that."  
  
Goku and Gojyo look to the door, acknowledging the solemn voice that has broken into their conversation. Hakkai stands in the doorway with a very serious, very troubled expression. They eye him critically as he slowly produces a far too familiar handgun and holds it up to the light.  
  
"Sanzo's gone."

tbc...  
  
A/N: Sorry I took so long to update. Truthfully, I don't know where I'm going with this, but I like what's been going on so far. I promise I'll update soon with another chapter, and I really appreciate all the reviews. One of you asked whether or not I was going to explain where Goku's amnesia came from, and...I am! Next part, and it's really not that complicated, though it is more than just that bump on the head that caused it. Okay, hope you liked this part, and please REVIEW!! :-)

Crim


	3. 3

The first few rays of sunshine peek over the horizon, spilling out endless streams of colored light upon the land. Sitting atop the highest mountain he could find, Sanzo has a clear, breathtaking view of this phenomenon, but he does not find its beauty inspiring or miraculous. His amethyst gaze is far too distant to pick up on the sight before him.  
  
Seated with his arms resting over his knees, he would almost appear to be informally meditating with such a constant, focused line of sight. What he is actually seeing, however, is no more a moment of enlightenment than it is the sunrise. In his mind, he finds himself brought back many years into the past...

---  
  
"You will make a fine monk someday, Kouryuu." Koumyo Sanzo smiles down at his charge.  
  
The pair is standing in the garden of their temple home, completely alone save the occasional bird flying overhead, or the rare sight of one of the other monks passing by a window inside.  
  
Young Kouryuu, the future Genjo Sanzo, appears troubled by his master's words, and plays absently with a loose thread on his sleeve. As much as he respects and cares for the man beside him, the only father he has ever known, he still fears letting the older man know of his worries.  
  
"Ano...I'm not so sure about that, Master." the young boy speaks softly, staring down at the grass at his feet.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
Kouryuu clears his throat, tugging hard on that loose thread. "I...don't agree with everything I'm supposed to follow. How can I be a monk if I go against the teachings?"  
  
Since Kouryuu's eyes are cast down, it is impossible for him to see his master's face, but the older monk smiles to himself anyway, admiring his apprentice's honesty. "Everyone is different, Kouryuu. There are different truths for different people. As long as you listen to your heart, you will be following YOUR way, and that is the only way that matters."  
  
Oddly distraught and unable to comprehend receiving the very answer he had hoped for but never imagined he would get, Kouryuu lifts his slightly bent head and flicks his violet eyes hesitantly towards his master's face.  
  
Koumyo's smile always takes him by surprise.  
  
"But...wouldn't that be going against what the great Buddha taught us?"  
  
"Perhaps." Koumyo agrees, placing a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder and bending down as if to reveal a well-kept secret. "However...if I told you any differently...I'd be lying."  
  
Kouryuu eyes his master's pleased grin warily, and finds himself blushing at the feel of the older man's breath on his face, and that warm hand on his shoulder. "You are a very unconventional monk, Master."  
  
The monk in question stands up straight, laughing outright at the comment. Then, with a swift tug, he pulls Koryuu in close against his side, slipping the arm that had been on the boy's shoulder to wrap around the other as well. "Thank you." he grins, giving the young blonde a small wink as he taps him playfully on the nose like a teasing, older brother. "Some day, I hope you will be, too."

---  
  
Sanzo mulls over that well-remembered incident, just as he has been since early the evening before.

Without so much as a goodbye, he had thrown his gun to the ground and stormed out into the night. Now, far from that little town and his companions, he feels he can honestly look at the problems at hand. His answers, however, keep coming up the same, no matter how many times he reworks them.  
  
"I promised myself I would never again love someone so much...that losing them would hurt as much as...losing _him_." Sanzo speaks aloud, still staring hard at the horizon without seeing it at all. "I know he would never condemn me for loving another man, or for any of the...unconventional things I do. But...what does it matter? How can I even think I have the right to accept someone's love again...?"  
  
"Oh, for goodness' sake, must you _always_ play the martyr?"  
  
Sanzo spins around, nearly toppling over from his awkward seat on the mountain top, and finds himself staring up at a rather voluptuous and beautiful woman, well-dressed and draped in fine jewelry.  
  
The invaded monk scowls, righting himself as he stands menacingly to confront this unwelcome guest.  
  
"What do you want?" he seethes.  
  
The unmoving goddess, Kanzeon Bosatsu, smirks wickedly, placing a graceful hand on her well-shaped hip. "Me? Just thought I'd pop in to offer you a bit of friendly advice, Konzen darling, that's all."  
  
"Bullshit. This mess is all YOUR doing, isn't it?"  
  
Kanzeon brings a hand in mock injury to her chest, flicking a stray curl out of her eyes with the other. "Whatever do you mean? If you're talking about dear Goku, he bumped his adorable, little head, remember? I had nothing to do with that."  
  
Refusing to answer the goddess' evasiveness, Sanzo crosses his arms in front of him and stares her down, giving new meaning to the phrase, 'if looks could kill...'  
  
"All right, maybe I had a _little_ to do with it." she concedes, crossing her arms to match his. "I was just so sick and tired of waiting for one of you four to make a move. Honestly, one would think you boys have NO libido."  
  
Sanzo produces a sound much like a growl combined with a very angry, cat-like hiss. "You had no right to meddle in our lives."  
  
"Oh please. You're the ones who were trying to deny what your own souls long ago accepted."  
  
"Don't feed me that past-life shit." Sanzo argues. "My life is here and now, not some god's from 200 years ago."  
  
Kanzeon raises a humored eyebrow at this. "Actually, it was 500 years ago."  
  
His arms flying back to his sides, Sanzo's hands instantly form into very determined fists. "Even more to the point, you ugly hag! I'm not Konzen! I'm Kouryuu!!"  
  
Chilling pause. The moment that name falls from his lips, Sanzo freezes, taking a small, fearful step back. Despising the little smirk Kanzeon offers him over this, however, he quickly pulls himself back together as if he hasn't slipped up at all.  
  
"I'm Sanzo." he mends. "Sanzo..."  
  
Smirking even more at such a lame attempt to save face, Kanzeon takes a step of her own, bringing them within a foot of one another, and leans in to reduce the space between them even more. "You...are Kouryuu, AND Sanzo, AND Konzen, AND...all the other little lives in between." she expresses, eyeing him closely, up and down, in assessment of her accusation, finding her words perfectly fitting and true. "However...you are quite right. This is YOUR life now. Truth be told, though, whether you believe you are influenced by your past life or not, who you are now loves that boy just as much as Konzen did."  
  
Sanzo has no rebuttal, and finds himself drained of the strength to step back and escape her overbearing presence. "Why are you doing all this?" he whispers, struggling to maintain his venomous nature.  
  
Regarding Sanzo with an almost maternal expression, momentarily devoid of her characteristic, holier-than-thou smirk, Kanzeon sighs deeply with a shimmering shake of her head. "I put that boy under your charge in the hopes of somehow lightening you up. I never imagined you would fall in love with each other, but it was by far the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Finally, after 500 years, all four of you are together again, and while Kenren and Tenpou are busy rediscovering their romance, you're sulking up here talking to me."  
  
"I'd rather be up here NOT talking to you." Sanzo counters, highly uncomfortable with her treating him with such intimate familiarity.  
  
"Konzen--"  
  
"Sanzo! My name is Genjo Sanzo!!" he barks back, seething for a moment with renewed animosity, though quickly deflating under the force of her pitying stare. He swallows, casting his gaze to a spot on the ground that has suddenly become remarkably interesting. "I can't love him...don't you understand?"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because I can't, okay! I can't lose him!"  
  
Kanzeon's lips twitch into a slight smile, and she leans in as she had before, capturing Sanzo's gaze even as he is desperately trying to avoid her. "Lose him?" she repeats, almost teasingly.  
  
Somehow, Sanzo hadn't even noticed that second slip of the tongue. "Love him." he corrects, narrowing his brow. "I can't love him."  
  
"Uh, uh, uh, you said 'lose', and that is the problem spinning around inside your oblivious, blonde head." She leans back, planting both hands on her hips in a gesture of imminent victory. "Grow up, _Sanzo_. People die. People get hurt. People get over it and love other people anyway. Take it from your fellow man and ACT like a man, already!"  
  
Violet eyes blazing, Sanzo instinctively opens his mouth to dispute her argument, but loses his words the moment he is about to speak them.  
  
All his steam is gone, all his anger and resentment. And all that remains is the knowledge of something he cannot push aside.  
  
"...I...don't deserve him..." he breathes at last, staring straight into Kanzeon's triumphant face. "I don't. You've had your damn, omnipotent eye on us since the beginning, watching him grow up just as I have. You've seen every act of bravery and devotion right along with me. His smile, his optimism, his eyes...God, those eyes...and even...even the way he always ends up back at my side...no matter how cruelly I treat him." Sanzo almost smiles at the thought, but such an expression easily crumbles, caught somewhere between impossibility and regret. "Damn monkey. He always comes back."  
  
The goddess' powerful sense of victory wanes and vanishes, gone completely by the time Sanzo's final word is left to hang thickly in the air. Kanzeon leaves her smile and smug demeanor behind for a moment.

They aren't necessary right now.  
  
"You know as well as I do, honey, this time he won't be coming back unless you give him a reason. Do you really want to spend your life alone?" she adds, all her mocking long forgotten. "And don't you _dare_ talk about the risk. Afraid you'll lose him? Fine. BE afraid. But _let_ yourself love him. Even hopeless fools like you deserve a little happiness, and whether you believe me or not, I have been fighting for the right to give you back that happiness since the day they cast you out of Heaven."  
  
Sanzo's eyes widen; it isn't everyday you discover you have a goddess on your side, even if most of this particular goddess' meddling proves only to piss Sanzo off.  
  
"Think on it, Konzen darling." Kanzeon coos, easing back into her customary smirk. "And remember, _you're_ the one who decides when Goku gets his memories back."  
  
Just as swiftly as they had widened, Sanzo's eyes narrow. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
Turning on her impossibly high heels, Kanzeon peers back over her shoulder with a wink. "You'll figure it out. Ciao." she smiles, and in a grand display of smoke and colored lights, she is gone, leaving Sanzo to think about what she has said.  
  
Scowling darkly at where the goddess had so recently been standing, Sanzo huffs. "Bitch." comes his automatic reply to the encounter, though it doesn't seem to hold nearly as much hostility as one would expect.  
  
Sanzo has been given much to consider, and despite his better judgment, he cannot stop himself from considering the impossible. There are risks and there are rewards in submitting to one's true feelings. The question remains: is Sanzo man enough to give into his?  
  
-----  
  
Trudging through the town's nearby woods, the remaining members of the Sanzo-ikkou are rapidly making their way in the only direction they think possible for their lost leader to have gone, hopeful that they will discover him before a new night approaches.  
  
After having attempted to get some sleep instead of just setting out in the dead of night, they had all come to realize just how impossible sleep would be while preoccupied with Sanzo's whereabouts. So, naturally, long before sunrise, Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku abandoned their cottage and headed out to find their friend.  
  
"Damn, self-serving, son-of-a...urrg! I can't believe the nerve of that fucking monk!!"  
  
"Don't get so worked-up, Gojyo." Hakkai gently reprimand's his companion, smiling softly as they continue along the forest path, side by side. "I'm sure we'll find him."  
  
Gojyo practically stops dead in his tracks. "Don't get so worked-up?! What am I supposed to do, grin and bear it like you?!"  
  
Injured by those coarse words, Hakkai's ever-present smile wavers, barely holding itself in place. "Hn. I guess you have a point. Forgive me for being so insensitive."  
  
Gojyo instantly regrets his unthinking, uncaring tone, and recognizes the malevolence in Hakkai's response. "Look...I didn't mean that. I'm just pissed, okay?"  
  
As always, Hakkai's smile returns with a vengeance, and he eagerly accepts the apology. "Don't worry about it. Besides...I'm more worried about _him_."  
  
Following Hakkai's gaze as the brunette turns to look behind them discreetly, Gojyo takes in the sight of the pitiful figure trailing behind them. Goku has barely spoken since Sanzo's unexpected disappearance, and with his head bowed, his feet drag along the ground as he makes his way along the path with the others.  
  
Neither Hakkai's gentle reassurances nor Gojyo's crude humor seem capable of lifting the younger man's melancholy. His heart is breaking, and his mind is that of a younger self, one that cannot grasp why the love of his long life refuses to see him as anything but a nuisance.  
  
"I'm going to kill that monk for this." Gojyo vows intently, turning back to the expanse of trees in front of him with a glare.  
  
Hakkai finds it difficult to repress the true smile slipping into his placid expression. "You really care about Goku, don't you?"  
  
For once, Gojyo doesn't even bother denying such a truth, though the slightest blush of color rises to his cheeks. "What can I say, he's the little brother I never had, and never wanted, for that matter." he grins. "So...yeah, of course I care. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this."  
  
Indeed, a rare, real smile spreads the length of Hakkai's beautiful face, and he brings a caring hand up to Gojyo's shoulder, giving it a much needed squeeze. The pair pauses in their step, content to share a quiet moment.  
  
Before they can speak, or at the very least, continue their trek through the woods, the sudden sound of snapping brush alerts their attention to a point in front of them.  
  
Hakkai and Gojyo immediately position themselves in preparation for an attack, only slightly caught off guard when an oblivious Goku walks right into them from behind. Without a word, Gojyo sweeps the monkey between and slightly behind himself and Hakkai, before calling into the thick of trees.  
  
"You can come on out; we know you're there!" he challenges. "You must have one damn, strong death wish if you think you can get the jump on us!"  
  
In reply, the group is met with another rustle of branches, and an easily recognized figure soon appears from within the line of trees, stepping out onto the path steady and unafraid.  
  
Goku's mouth falls open, and he absentmindedly speaks beneath his breath. "...Konzen..."  
  
Though it is highly unlikely Sanzo heard Goku's whispered mistake in identity, the blonde monk glares back at the group with a characteristic scowl.  
  
Their guards already dropped, Hakkai and Gojyo gawk in disbelief.  
  
"What are you staring at?" Sanzo demands, walking up to the group that is still so closely huddled together. "We're behind schedule, ne? I want to get to the next town by nightfall."  
  
No response. The others merely stare, occasionally casting a glance to one another, and unable to believe the ease and luck of this encounter.  
  
Huffing in annoyance, Sanzo stomps over to Hakkai and impatiently holds out his hand. "Gun." he grunts, somehow knowing the wise brunette would be the one to hold on to it.  
  
Silently, Hakkai produces it and holds it out for Sanzo to take.  
  
Snatching it roughly, the blonde tucks it back into his robes where it belongs. "Let's go."  
  
Pushing Gojyo and Hakkai aside, Sanzo begins to walk forward. After barely two steps, however, he finds himself parallel with Goku, and pauses. Without looking down into those pleading, golden eyes, he speaks, deeply strained with each spoken word.  
  
"I was out of line." he admits slowly, forcing himself to be honest. "I'm not taking back what I said. But..." His voice hitches and trails off. Taking a quick breath, he forces out one final word, speaking it as swiftly as his tongue will allow. "Gomen." And then, he continues on, back down the path towards the town they have left behind.  
  
Goku stands positively dumbfounded, but after only a brief moment of frozen disbelief, he happily bounds after his guardian, knowing to keep a safe distance, but feeling a million times more at peace.  
  
Before following their companions, Hakkai and Gojyo share a knowing glance, and then, with mirrored smirks, they, too, begin the journey back along what seems to be a brand new path.

tbc...

A/N: No, this is not the end. There is so much more to tell. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had so much fun with Kanzeon! Still, I think the next chapter is going to be one of my faves. I've already started it, and...I love it! Please, keep reading and REVIEWING so I know what you guys think, and thanks again for all the reviews so far. :-) ja!

Crim


	4. 4

Back on their familiar path, the Sanzo-ikkou travel in relative silence, none able to come up with a plausible idea for getting Goku's old self back, and thus continuing their journey as best they can with him as he is. Sanzo has yet to explain that he is the main factor in determining when the modern aspects of their young companion will be regained, mainly because he doesn't know what direct part he is supposed to play. And so they travel on, no worse for the wear, other than being slightly off balance.  
  
Curled up a little more contentedly than he would have been able to the day before, young-minded Goku watches a seemingly sleeping Genjo Sanzo intently, peeking from a roundabout view, and enjoying the quiet for a chance to think about the monk in question.  
  
Oh, how he wishes Sanzo was seated in the back instead of being in front of him, but he quells the desire to climb over the seat and snuggle into his guardian's lap. Whether or not the monk's return means he is making progress makes little difference; Goku values his life.  
  
He doesn't really believe Sanzo is sleeping anyway, despite how convincing the blonde is at stabilizing his breathing, so he chooses to pretend as well, tuning in to the hushed conversation building beside him.  
  
"Shoulders stiff yet, Hakkai?" Gojyo whispers, leaning closely up against the driver's seat in front of him, and carefully giving the brunette's shoulders and neck the smallest hint of a massage, as if asking silent permission to carry through with the act.  
  
Without really meaning to, Hakkai stiffens and shrugs those large hands away. "Ano...it's only been a few hours, Gojyo. Don't fuss over me."  
  
Gojyo pouts, wrapping his arms fully around the seat to coil over Hakkai's chest. "I'm not fussing. Just looking for an excuse to get my hands on you." he purrs, and chuckles lightly when Hakkai forces down a nervous swallow, though he doesn't tell Gojyo to back off. "Mmmm...you have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now..."  
  
Hakkai immediately begins to tremble, barely able to keep his hands on the steering wheel.  
  
Truthfully, Gojyo is nearly as stunned at his behavior as Hakkai is, considering he has never had even the smallest urge to seduce a man before. Nevertheless, he finds this all too easy, slipping into it as if they have been a couple for ages.  
  
Noticing Hakkai's now shaking shoulders, Gojyo pulls his arms away, leaving them to rest on the back of Hakkai's chair instead. "No pressure, okay? I understand this isn't easy for you. Hell, I can't believe it isn't harder for me, but...well...I just want you to know...whenever you're ready for that first kiss, I'll be waiting for it."  
  
Hakkai's trembling subsides, and he turns his head with a truly ravishing smile, blushing a little as he casts an almost bashful glance at his friend. "Th-thank you." he breathes, instantly turning his eyes back on the road. "And...maybe later...tonight...I just might be ready."  
  
"Really?" Gojyo grins, devouring Hakkai's playful comment. Then, bringing his lips right up to his companion's ear. "...tease..." he accuses.  
  
"Lech." Hakkai accuses right back.  
  
"Oh...that's right...how could I forget..." Gojyo whispers in a far too sultry voice, sending a ripple of nerve-shattering chills over Hakkai's skin, and slithering one of his hands around the brunette's chair to run it dangerously along Hakkai's inner thigh.  
  
"G-Gojyo...!" Hakkai gasps, trembling just as fiercely as before within the short spanse of a single, skipped heartbeat.  
  
Gojyo obediently recoils. "Shit...too much, huh?"  
  
Struggling to bring his breathing back to normal, and despising how easily he seems to lose control whenever Gojyo makes a move, Hakkai's smooth brow furrows deeply. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be." Gojyo dismisses, peering around the chair now to catch Hakkai's gaze. "You're worth it." And with that simple phrase, he leans back and situates himself in his own seat again, content enough to give Hakkai the space he needs.  
  
Needless to say, Hakkai enjoys the remainder of the drive significantly more from that point on, and so does Gojyo. Sanzo, on the other hand, though he maintains the illusion of being asleep, secretly scowls at the overheard exchange. And although Goku takes much pleasure in the happiness of his friends, he is just as put-off, suppressing a wave of jealousy at having been the cause of the pair's newfound romance without gaining any rewards himself.  
  
-----  
  
Later, at a rather small Inn--so small, it was only able to offer them a single room with only two beds--the four still find themselves wrapped within the melancholic silence that has been manifesting itself since Sanzo's return.  
  
Hakkai and Gojyo are seated on the floor, enjoying their third round of poker (the previous games having all gone to Hakkai), Sanzo is in front of the window, glaring out at the overcast clouds, and Goku--ever so slowly--is walking up to his guardian from behind.  
  
"Ko...umm...Sanzo...?" he speaks, so much like a child.  
  
Without turning to face the younger man, Sanzo grunts disgruntledly. "What?"  
  
Goku says nothing, but timidly sets a steaming cup of tea on the windowsill, which he has acquired from the kitchen, knowing his guardian would be craving it to ease his nerves.  
  
Actually, _Konzen_ would have been craving it; Sanzo would much prefer taking solace in a stiff drink. Still, as Goku sulks away, Sanzo takes the cup, hoping it will somehow clear his mind and ease the nerves Goku had so eagerly wished to soothe.  
  
Eyeing the young brunette as he returns to the other side of the room, Gojyo huffs, releasing a spiral of white-grey smoke from between his lips, with his usual cigarette hanging loosely out of his mouth. "Shouldn't we be doing something to get the monkey's memories back?" he asks in hushed tones of his companion, grimacing at what looks to be another loss as Hakkai lays down his second straight flush of the night.  
  
"Sanzo doesn't seem too worried." Hakkai replies, scooping up the cards to deal again.  
  
"No shit." Gojyo groans. "I feel like rearranging that pretty-boy face of his."  
  
Smiling one of his usual, knowing smiles, Hakkai lifts his eyes to look at Sanzo's still and quiet form in front of the window. "Hmmm...he'll come around, I think. In his own time. As for Goku..." he adds, fanning out his cards within such well-sculpted hands. "...let's just hope we don't find ourselves in any serious trouble while he's...out of commission."  
  
Gojyo laughs darkly and shakes his head, shimmering his crimson locks around his shoulders. "Better knock on wood after that invitation." he smirks, fanning his own cards, and slipping into a sneer once seeing their pitiful combination.  
  
Leaning forward, his cards still held in one hand, Hakkai lifts the other up towards Gojyo's face and raps lightly on the side of his friend's head, grinning the entire time.  
  
Taking a moment to register this, Gojyo at long last grins back, and--letting his own cards fall to the side--snatches up Hakkai's wrists, sending the brunette's cards to the floor as well. "Real funny, asshole." he growls, though it sounds much more like a humored purr. "Wanna try that again?"  
  
Only slightly fearful, Hakkai finds himself pushed backwards into the floor, with Gojyo hovering over him as the red-head presses his wrists over his head and into the carpet. Struggling against Gojyo's hold, Hakkai slyly coils one of his legs between his friend's and uses this gained leverage to roll over, soon pinning Gojyo down in return.  
  
Not one to allow such an unfair turn of power, Gojyo quickly regains the upper hand, and the two end up wrestling over the floor, getting quite tangled up in each other, until Gojyo's roaming hands spurn fits of laughter from Hakkai.  
  
The former teacher is rather ticklish if one knows which buttons to push.  
  
"Heh. I kinda like you in this position." Gojyo leers, once again in the dominant spot, with Hakkai's arms pinned high above his head, and his legs immobile from Gojyo's weight on top of them.  
  
The defenseless brunette blushes deeply. "Not that I'm against the idea, but...I hope you don't think it's always going to be like this. I'm not a woman, Gojyo. I want my turn, too."  
  
To Hakkai's pleased surprise, Gojyo does not seem put off by this requirement. "Equal opportunity, ne? Sounds good to me." he grins, leaning down deeply, until his breath begins to meld with Hakkai's, and their noses could almost be touching. "So...while I _do_ have you in this position...how's about a kiss?"  
  
"...I...I guess that would be okay..."  
  
Gojyo's grin lengthens over his entire face, and he leans down closer, brushing his lips over Hakkai's lightly, and then, when the brunette's eyes dim and close, Gojyo completes the act, capturing his friend's moist mouth.  
  
Now, THIS is what the kappa excels at: teasing, tasting, and making the recipient ache for more with every movement.  
  
Oddly enough, Gojyo hadn't had any intention of pushing the kiss much further for fear of Hakkai's reaction. Hakkai, on the other hand, has a very different idea. Boldly, the brunette runs his tongue over Gojyo's lips, prodding gently for access. Gojyo practically groans into his mouth in pleased disbelief, eagerly accepting it, though he fully allows Hakkai control. After all, how often do the tables turn and he becomes the pursued?  
  
BAM! Gojyo and Hakkai pull apart with a jerk.  
  
Enraged by his companions' blatant display of affection, Sanzo has slammed down his barely touched teacup, and rises to leave, tossing the flushed pair a nasty grimace as he storms out of the room.  
  
Goku's downcast eyes stare after the retreating blonde helplessly, fighting down--once again--a wave of jealousy towards his friends. Every tiny bit of progress with the monk seems for naught once Sanzo has been given the time to revert back into his scowling nature.  
  
Pushing Gojyo away shamefully, Hakkai lifts himself up, smoothing out his crumpled clothing and swallowing back the heat rising to his face. Gojyo looks on indignantly, choosing to focus his irritation on the one person he always enjoys handing the blame.  
  
"God, I hate that monk."  
  
-----  
  
Four men. Two beds. One would think the math would be easy in such a situation. However, on the average, men are much less comfortable than women when it comes to sharing sleeping space. That is, unless they're lovers.  
  
Not even Hakkai and Gojyo are to that point yet, and clearly, Sanzo would never agree to having one of the others in bed with him. And so, the monk has one bed all to himself, and--being gentlemen (well, Hakkai being a gentleman)--the others have willingly given up the second bed to Goku, choosing to sleep on the floor.  
  
Well into the night now, the youngest of the group is fast asleep, encompassed by restless dreams, but Sanzo cannot so easily drift off. It also seems, as the monk eyes the pair on the floor, that Hakkai, too, is still awake. Yes, Sanzo has been watching them for quite some time. Gojyo nodded off rather quickly, actually, but Hakkai has never been one to surrender to sleep without a little struggling.  
  
The pair shares a single blanket, but there had originally been a good foot or more between them. Some things are best if eased into slowly, after all, even if they hadn't been sharing a room with their friends.  
  
Sanzo watches closely as that separating space between the two shrinks down to nothing. Gojyo has rolled over in his sleep, absently searching for the warmth of the body he senses near him. Hakkai, smiling pleasantly at the red-head's boyish expression as he does this, reaches out tentatively to pull Gojyo in against him. He tenses for a moment as the kappa's arms wrap instinctively around his waist, but soon relaxes into the embrace, closing his tired eyes and lovingly stroking the back of Gojyo's crimson hair as he lulls himself to sleep.  
  
Tearing his eyes away, Sanzo turns from the heartfelt sight to look at the sleeping figure of Goku in the bed next to his. Curled up under the covers, only the top of the monkey's messy, brown head can be seen, as well as an arm that has slipped free to hang unceremoniously off the side of the mattress.  
  
Sanzo suppresses a smile, mentally smacking himself for finding the image as adorable as he does. He never would have allowed such a thought a few days ago. Hmm, maybe Kanzeon is right, after all? Maybe he does care for the bakazaru, and maybe...maybe things would work out if he just accepted the love he is being offered...  
  
_'What am I thinking?!'_ Sanzo reprimands himself, rolling onto his side, away from the sight of his slumbering charge. _'I just have to find out how to retrieve that baka's memories. Then everything will go back to the way it was, and none of this will have meant anything. That's the only thing to do. The only thing I...CAN do...'  
_  
But is it the only thing he WANTS to do...?  
  
Without an answer, Sanzo finds himself unable to sleep until the first premature rays of sunlight begin filtering in through the window. Even then, his sleep is fitful, and no matter how he looks at the problems plaguing his mind, no solution offers him peace.  
  
None but the one he still cannot accept.

tbc...  
  
A/N: Sorry to the Goku/Sanzo fans, since this is being filled with mostly Hakkai/Gojyo, but...tough luck, I love BOTH pairings! Anyhoo, I couldn't just let Sanzo become all mushy and "I love you, too, Goku," because he would never be like that. I think I have this planned out so that there will only be one--maybe two--more chapters. Thanks again for reviewing, and keep it up! :-) ja!

Crim


	5. 5

Morning again, and--once again--the Sanzo-ikkou is riding in the jeep to their next destination. It isn't as if the occasional lull in dangerous encounters doesn't overtake them every now and again, but even when there isn't a single youkai threat in sight, usually there is at least a little internal commotion for them to focus their attention on. Namely, Goku and Gojyo arguing. Lately, however, this has not been the case, since Goku remains his younger self and generally _keeps_ to himself while mulling over how to win his beloved's heart.  
  
The ongoing silence that has been produced by Goku's mental transformation lingers far too thickly as they travel on, and although silence can be soothing and perfectly healthy, it is grating on their nerves more than they dare say.  
  
Well, more than _most_ dare say...  
  
"That's it! I can't take this anymore!" Gojyo erupts from the back seat, startling the younger man beside him, and almost causing Hakkai to veer off the road after such a sudden outburst. "Just say something already, you self-centered prick!!" he bellows at the back of Sanzo's head. "Here we are like idiots, continuing west one monkey short, acting like it's no big deal! If you're not going to try and do something to help him, you could at least acknowledge his existence, ya know? And I don't mean by giving some half-assed 'sorry' for being the dick-head we all know you are. Do you realize how screwed we are if we get attacked? Maybe you don't give a shit, you sorry excuse for a priest, but I sure as hell do!"  
  
Tense pause. After years of experience with such insolent behavior directed at him, Sanzo is not ruffled by Gojyo's accusations in the least. He doesn't even flinch or turn his head to address the kappa directly. "There is nothing to be done but wait it out." he speaks, vaguely soft and low, and strained despite its semblance of being controlled. "As for being 'screwed' if we're attacked, you better be joking. We can handle ourselves just fine without that monkey fumbling around. Besides..." He allows his voice to fade, lifting his semi-bent head towards the dim horizon in front of them. "...we're about to find out."  
  
Gojyo's crimson head jerks to the side, squinting through the sunlight to follow Sanzo's--and now Hakkai's--incessant gaze. A few yards in front of the jeep, four, full-grown, fully armed youkai have appeared, and it is highly unlikely they represent the next town's welcoming committee.  
  
"Shit..." Gojyo grunts, kicking himself for having opened his big, fat mouth--yet again.  
  
Bringing the jeep to a halt, Hakkai turns off the engine and sighs loudly; why is it that the unexpected always has to happen?  
  
Turning around in his seat, Sanzo looks very seriously back at Goku, who is eyeing the group of youkai with obvious fear. "Stay in the jeep." he commands.  
  
"But...Konzen--"  
  
"No matter what happens, stay down and stay out of our way. Understand?"  
  
Goku is hesitant, but nods, and slips down low in his seat to hide from view. Satisfied, Sanzo turns back to the quartet waiting for them expectantly, and opens his door.  
  
"Well...this should be interesting." Hakkai comments, smiling as always, as he, too, steps out of the jeep, and the three oldest member's of the Sanzo-ikkou head out to meet the challenge at hand.  
  
Indeed, there are four youkai, none seemingly more the leader than any of the others. Two have darker hair and appear to be brothers, with matching markings above their eyebrows. Another is rather tall and thin, with long, white hair and reptilian eyes. The last, and largest, has dark, almost black skin, with navy hair, and is equipped with the longest bladed staff out of his companions. All are armed with such staffs, and size aside, all are more than likely as deadly as the others.  
  
"You guys must be pretty brainless if you're willing to take us on." Gojyo sneers, hoisting shakujou over his shoulder with mocking ease.  
  
The largest and most unique of the youkai grimaces, twirling his staff threateningly. "Foolish humans." he grumbles, with a voice like turned up gravel under Hakuryuu's grinding wheels. "Four of us against three of you, and you DARE act superior?"  
  
Hakkai finds these words immensely funny. "Haha. What makes you think we're human?" he smiles, a flash of light glinted off his monocle in subtle warning of his inner power.  
  
"Your master is a Sanzo priest." one of the brothers rationalizes, gesturing towards Sanzo, who is impatiently scowling with his arms firmly crossed over his chest.  
  
Now it is Gojyo's turn to find humor in the situation at hand. "Heh." he laughs, much more condescending then Hakkai's gentle fluttering. "Your argument sucks."  
  
The willowy youkai with white, almost silver-spun hair gasps, taking closer notice of the figures before them. "This is no ordinary Sanzo and his servants. These are the ones we were told about. Look at that one with his red hair and eyes. He's a half-breed. One of the cursed blood."  
  
"And the other one..." notes the younger of the brothers, pointing out Hakkai. "...he's wearing limiters."  
  
"How dare you side with the humans, taking orders from a monk?" the dark-skinned youkai demands, stepping forward as his companions point out the ikkou's peculiarities.  
  
Gojyo steps forward as well, bringing shakujou out in front of him to brandish its crescent blade. "Let's get one thing straight: this monk is NOT our master, and I'll be damned if I ever take orders from anyone."  
  
"Silence, you abomination." the pale-haired youkai seethes, stepping up parallel to his darker comrade. "You disgust us enough with your human blood. To fight along side one...revolting."  
  
Crimson eyes narrow darkly. "Shut the hell up, jackass!" Gojyo cries across the increasingly small space separating the two groups, barely holding his temper in place. "I fight for myself, got it? Whether the person backing me up is human, youkai, or mixed makes no difference to me."  
  
Stepping up next to Gojyo, Hakkai grants support in body and spirit, casting his companion a gratifying smile. "Well said, my friend. Now...shall we begin?"  
  
On equal footing, the pair charges forward, each taking up their own opponent, and leaving the younger of the brothers and the one with silvery hair for Sanzo.  
  
It isn't terribly surprising that Sanzo hasn't spoken, but had he found some nasty comment to throw in his opponents' faces, his heart most likely wouldn't have been in it. Not today. Not this week. Not after all that plagues his mind...and his heart. He merely fights, eager to end this battle quickly.  
  
Normally, such enemies would be rather easy to dispose of, but Sanzo is forced to fight off two instead of one, considering they seem most interested in offing him--which is of little surprise since it is said Sanzo priests make excellent meals, and grant whomever can devour them eternal life.  
  
No one has lived to prove this myth--so far.  
  
"Such a high and mighty man." the silvery youkai sneers, slashing out with a clawed-hand and sweeping his staff at Sanzo's legs with the other. "You won't even speak to those who are about to destroy you?"  
  
Sanzo jumps out of the staff's reach, but doesn't reply, barely escaping the slash of those claws at the same time. He kicks at the younger youkai behind him, reaching inside his robes for his gun to tackle the taller one in front of him first.  
  
Having been sent to the ground, the dismissed youkai finds himself closer to the parked jeep, and as he looks it over, he discovers a huddled figure peeking up over the seats, seemingly trying to stay out of sight, though still attempting to watch the action. Smirking a moment back at his companion fighting Sanzo, the youkai slithers closer to this hidden treasure, and grins to show his fangs as the young man--poor Goku--realizes he has been found.  
  
"Well, what do we have here...?" the youkai grins with a lick of his lips. "An appetizer perhaps?"  
  
Knowing that huddling lower would only prove to trap himself, Goku backs away and slips out of the jeep on the other side, unthinkingly summoning his staff.  
  
_'I'm not worthless...'_ he assures himself, standing on guard as the youkai moves around the vehicle towards him. _'I can fight. I know I can. I'll prove to Konzen how much he needs me...'  
_  
Clumsily, Goku charges at the approaching youkai, lashing out with his staff. Although the youkai has been removed of his own staff, it makes little difference, for he catches the end of Goku's weapon in one swift motion and tugs on the end, sending Goku off balance.  
  
A few yards away, Sanzo is still trying to gain the upper hand and find a clear shot at his opponent, but the lithe youkai is incredibly fast, and keeps managing to dodge him. After another near-miss, Sanzo catches sight of the jeep out of the corner of his eye, and sees Goku struggling with the youkai he himself had so recently brushed aside. The blonde curses himself for having been so foolish and blind to what was going on, and thus distracted by Goku's predicament, is blind-sided by his opponent with a swift right hook to the face.  
  
Goku gasps, watching as his guardian crumbles to the ground, dazed and at the mercy of his enemy. Able to think of nothing else, Goku turns back to his own opponent, and with hardened eyes, more like those of an experienced fighter than a child, he yanks his staff out of the hands of the youkai facing him and wheels it back to come flying forward, hard into his chest.  
  
Just as Hakkai and Gojyo finish off their counterparts--all too easily--Goku, too, finishes off his, and without another thought, he bounds away from the jeep, rushing to Sanzo's aid.  
  
"How sweet. Your pet is coming to rescue you." the silver-haired youkai grins wickedly down at Sanzo, pinning the monk to the ground with a boot in Sanzo's back. Sanzo can see his gun, knocked a few feet from his hand, but is unable to reach it. "You'll all pay for what you've done to my comrades. You especially will pay, priest, for daring to turn those with noble, youkai blood against their own kind."  
  
Bringing his bladed staff above his head, the youkai prepares to dispatch the monk as he has vowed, and Gojyo and Hakkai have been drawn too far away to reach the pair in time.  
  
Just as that weapon comes hurtling downwards, however, it is suddenly no longer in the youkai's grasp. Almost in a blur, the staff is snatched away, whirled around, and suddenly slashing itself brutally through the youkai's midsection, cutting him in two. The mangled body twitches a moment on the ground, but the wound is far too severe to allow him any final words before his body goes still.  
  
Sanzo looks up, in complete disbelief that the figure above him could be capable of such a devastating strike. Hakkai and Gojyo are equally stunned, their mouths practically dropped to the dusty ground as they stare in shock at the determined features of Goku. _Their_ Goku.  
  
Or so it would seem...  
  
Tossing the staff to the side, his own left on the ground beside the jeep, Goku reaches a hand in assistance to Sanzo, and smiles brightly, unfazed by what he has just done with such speed and surprising ferocity.  
  
Sanzo stares at that hand and up at Goku's smiling face, struck by the achingly familiar presence the younger man is emitting, even without trying. "Goku...?" he breathes, unsure how to take what his senses seem to be telling him.  
  
"Hai, Konzen?" Goku innocently replies.  
  
Freezing at the sound of that name, even as he is allowing Goku to help him up, Sanzo realizes that what has just occurred is not enough to bring HIS Goku back. "Nothing." he grumbles, and then angrily snatches his hand away from the monkey's lingering hold. "Baka, I told you to stay down! Never disobey me again!"  
  
Goku recoils only slightly, appearing shrunken under Sanzo's cold stare and harsh tone. "...hai." he concedes shyly. "I promise I'll listen next time."  
  
"Good." Sanzo confirms, and for the briefest moment, he moves his hand to rest on Goku's head, nestled in the soft strands of brown hair. "And...thanks."  
  
Goku and the others find themselves stunned once again, but it still is not enough, for the monk tears his hand away, pushes his emotions aside, and heads to the jeep without the smallest look back.  
  
"Let's get going."  
  
The others follow suit, not sure if this is progress or not. Hakkai and Gojyo are still a little stunned over Goku's victory anyway, especially coming from such a chibified personality. Nevertheless, their journey stops for nothing, and the next rest stop is still a good distance away.  
  
Everything takes time.  
  
-----  
  
A slightly nicer Inn--with slightly less agreeable townspeople--finds the ikkou with two bedrooms once again, this time having decided to split the group with Hakkai and Gojyo in one room and Sanzo and Goku in the other.  
  
Perfect, ne?  
  
Actually, Sanzo is still mulling over how he can convince the monkey to share the others' room, preferably before it gets too late. Laying back on his bed, not ready for sleep but not in the mood to talk the owner's ear off as the other three are doing right now, the discontented monk has been trying to figure out why the hell he agreed to such an arrangement in the first place. It's not as if he's giving in. He's isn't admitting anything. He doesn't have to--  
  
_'You're wasting time, Konzen darling.'_ Kanzeon's voice echoes in Sanzo's head, plaguing him--invading him. _'If you keep stalling like this, I might just have to make Goku's transformation permanent.'  
_  
Sanzo grimaces, focusing his gaze and his anger on a single spot on the ceiling above him. "I never agreed to anything, you arrogant bitch, so I DON'T have to follow your rules. Who says I'm going to listen to your crack-pot advice, anyway?"  
  
Melodic laughter ricochets over his mental walls. _'Your heart says more than enough.'_ she teases.  
  
"Fuck off!" Sanzo bellows at that unfortunate spot, sitting up in bed and glaring icy heat into that chosen point of focus.  
  
Nothing. Not even a grumble of disappointment replies. Sanzo doesn't like that one bit; Kanzeon Bosatsu is never this easy to get rid of, whether she manifests herself physically or not.  
  
"...ano...Konzen...? Who are you talking to?" filters in Goku's hesitant voice from the doorway.  
  
Sanzo jerks his eyes away from the ceiling, at last understanding why the goddess has left his mind. At least, for the moment. Turning to his charge, Sanzo sighs, swinging his legs off the end of the bed. "No one." he answers in frustration. "And for the last time, my name is Sanzo! Get it right!"  
  
"...hai." Goku replies, bowing his head. He enters slowly, closing the door behind him, all the while feeling Sanzo's fierce, violet eyes watching him. Had they been Konzen's eyes, he would have welcomed their attention, but he must remind himself that this is Konzen only in spirit and there is still much to be done. "Umm...Sanzo...?" he speaks, shuffling towards the bed.  
  
"What?" Sanzo snaps, not sure how much he likes the idea of Goku being any closer to him than he already is, especially since the little monkey is inching closer by the minute.  
  
Goku stops just in front of Sanzo and shuffles his feet like a five year old begging his mother for a candy bar at the store. "Am I...alot different from your Goku?"  
  
Damn that soft and tender tone. "Not really." Sanzo replies dismissively, still watching Goku intently, though refraining from meeting the monkey's gaze. "Aside from somehow being a helluva lot more annoying...you're still you. Just...younger...less impulsive...less loud, thank God, but...that's about it."  
  
"Then...why don't you love me?"  
  
To hell with that heart-wrenching tone; Sanzo pushes off the bed and heads for the other side of the room, avoiding the question.  
  
"Is it because...I'm not REALLY him...?" Goku presses further, pursuing Sanzo in words and action, as his insistent feet follow the monk across the floorboards. "Or...is it because...you didn't love him, either?"  
  
"I already told you!" Sanzo whips around, causing Goku to stumble a few steps back. "I don't love you, and that includes BOTH versions."  
  
Goku does his best to hide the obvious hurt in his eyes. "...hai. Demo...I don't understand why. Konzen loved me, and...I know you're not Konzen...you're Sanzo...but...a part of you is still Konzen even if you refuse to see it."  
  
Pushing past the younger man once again, Sanzo returns to the foot of his bed, desperate to escape these questions, and those damn, pleading eyes. "Don't you EVER give up?! Can't you just accept that I'm not Konzen!?"  
  
A small, dispirited smile. "No, I can't." Goku replies evenly, following Sanzo just as intently as before. "You ARE Konzen, and somewhere inside of you is the man who loves me. I know this because...I have a feeling...Sanzo loves Sanzo's Goku...just as much as Konzen loved me."  
  
"Urusai! I can't stand this!" Sanzo erupts, whirling on Goku now, and stalking towards him with fueled malice. His nerves have reached their inevitable end. "I can't stand this endless arguing! I can't stand those damn eyes constantly looking at me like...like I'm supposed to care! Why won't you just leave me alone...?"  
  
Tears slowly begin to fill Goku's large, golden eyes, and though he tries his best to hold them back, a few renegade streams slip down his cheeks anyway, begging to be seen and understood. "Because...I love you..." he whimpers, nearly drowning Sanzo with those eyes, and their overwhelmingly pitiable sight. "...and...and I thought...you would be...nicer...since I...saved you from that youkai...and...and..."  
  
"And what?!" Sanzo cries, towering above Goku like an ominous demon, unfazed by tears or tremors. "I owe you a small debt of gratitude, so you want me to FUCK you for it!?!"  
  
Goku blanches, a large lump rising in his throat to choke off any immediate response after that vulgar accusation. Unwittingly, he begins to back away. "I...I never said I wanted--"  
  
"But that's what this is about, isn't it?" Sanzo cuts in, advancing on Goku as the younger man backpedals to get out of his master's reach. "If that's all you want, then maybe I should just give it to you and shut you up for good..."  
  
Goku flinches; Sanzo's tone burns, and the grip he attacks his companion's shoulders with is nothing short of searing. Distressed by the brutal nature of Sanzo's intentions and expression, Goku struggles to get away, but finds himself unable to escape or cry out as he sinks down, pinned under immense weight, with his back--all too quickly--pressed hard into the floor.  
  
Sanzo is on top of him on the ground, and the large hands pawing at Goku's clothes are anything but gentle.  
  
"Yamete!" the young brunette cries, shaking too fiercely to properly fight Sanzo off. "Please...this isn't what I want..."  
  
The boy's pleas fall on deaf ears, however, and Sanzo vigorously continues his assault. While holding Goku down with one leg, the other forces the monkey's legs apart, and Sanzo's smooth hands explore Goku's body unthinkingly and uncaring for how deep and intimately they venture. Goku cannot see the monk's face, either bent to be veiled by blonde hair, or buried hotly between the brunette's shoulder and neck.  
  
"Please...please don't--ah!" Goku cries, gasping as Sanzo succeeds in untucking his shirt, jerking it up and discovering all too sensitive skin.  
  
Roughly running his palm up along Goku's chest with one hand and over his hips with the other, Sanzo offers no reply or reprieve, suddenly biting hard into Goku's shoulder. When Goku releases a scream, the blonde instinctively reaches up with one of those hands to cover that revealing mouth, painfully firm and commanding.  
  
Goku's voice becomes muffled behind that warm palm, and soon, only his wracking sobs can be heard softly filling the room.  
  
Sanzo pulls up harder on Goku's shirt, ripping it slightly on one side.

Jerking as that free hand brushes over his navel and lower to his hips again, Goku's breathing rapidly increases pace as his bestial attacker begins tugging down the waist of his pants.  
  
Pushing at Sanzo with semi-free arms proves not enough, leading Goku to thrust upwards with his hips in a final attempt at getting away. This incidentally results in Goku's smaller pelvis grinding into Sanzo's, and the boy groans against Sanzo's hand still covering his mouth, despising himself for reacting to something he knows he doesn't want, and never intended.  
  
Still fumbling with Goku's pants, Sanzo continues to tug them down, revealing the groves of the boy's narrow hips. As he begins to reach under the waistband, however, he suddenly feels Goku's body go limp under his touch, no longer fighting him.  
  
Goku is giving in. Giving up. The poor, beaten monkey is so broken, he can't even struggle anymore, resigned to the horror Sanzo is about to put him through.  
  
But Sanzo goes no further, at last struck by the realization of what his unjustified anger has brought him to. Flinching away, Sanzo lifts himself from Goku's shivering body, trembling himself as he clumsily stumbles back and collapses against the wall. Pulling his knees into his chest, he hangs his head, finding it difficult to bring his breathing back to normal.  
  
_'Fuck...what the hell was I doing...?'_  
  
Goku is unable to do much of anything other than slightly sit up on his elbows, his clothing still in shameful disarray, and his skin flushed pink from Sanzo's ravaging. "...Konzen...?" he breathes, no longer afraid for himself, but faithfully worried over the condition of his cherished keeper.  
  
"What?" Sanzo hisses, not lifting his head, nor caring that he has once again been labeled someone he is not.  
  
Goku opens and closes his mouth a good dozen times, but ends up saying nothing at all. There isn't much he CAN say, not when he is still unsure why Sanzo has done what he just did.  
  
Sanzo sighs deeply, overcoming the last few traces of heat lingering low in his stomach. Right now, he feels much more like throwing up. "I...I'm sorry..." whispers the monk's sudden and unexpectedly sorrowful voice when Goku fails to speak. "I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just so fucking frustrated...and angry...and...scared..." The last word is breathed barely above a dim whisper, but still, it is there. "I know none of that excuses what I did, but..." He trails off again, for once in his life hating the still of silence. "Damn it, will you just say something?! Please..."  
  
At last recovered from whatever depth of Hell he had been exiled to, Goku sits up fully and fixes his mussed clothing--pulling down his torn shirt, and pulling UP his now low-riding pants. What odd acts. What impossible acts, ones he is forced to complete...because of Sanzo.  
  
Still silent, and now somewhat presentable again, Goku crawls across the space of floor separating him from his blonde guardian and slides up next to him, daringly, cautiously, slipping an arm around Sanzo's shoulders.  
  
Sanzo jumps, surprised to find Goku so close, and though he doesn't move away, at last lifting his head from his knees, he refuses to look down into those golden eyes--forever an image that haunts him.  
  
"Daijobu desu, yo, Konzen. I'm not mad." Goku speaks tenderly, still startling Sanzo with the innocence of his tone coming from a voice and face he knows so well. "I know you didn't mean it. I just...don't understand what you're so afraid _of_."  
  
For a moment, Sanzo contemplates pushing Goku away, but dismisses the idea once realizing he can't bring himself to move. The warmth of Goku so close, offering such powerful support, overwhelms him, nearly eradicating the chasm that had built between them through his foolish actions. "I can't...lose someone again..." he admits slowly, staring forward at nothing. "...someone...I love...you don't understand...it's not...possible..."  
  
"Why do you think that?" Goku inquires back, holding Sanzo more firmly against his side. "Who did you lose before...?"  
  
Sanzo stiffens. "It doesn't matter..." he offers weakly, and at last discovers the will to move as he attempt to slip from Goku's grasp.  
  
Bravely holding firm, Goku tightens his grip, slipping his other arm around Sanzo's waist to hold the monk in place. "It DOES matter. This wouldn't be so hard for you if you didn't love me back. You're afraid you'll lose me like you lost someone before? Fine. Who?"  
  
Stepping up his struggling, Sanzo uses all his strength to break Goku's embrace, but his attempts are--miraculously--in vain. "Damn you...! Let...go...!" he demands through clenched teeth, shocked at Goku's strength.  
  
Only moments before, Goku had been at the mercy of Sanzo's hold, and yet, now that the monkey has been given the upper hand, his true power lends him what he needs to complete what he knows he must.  
  
He is no longer afraid, so there is nothing to hold him back.  
  
"Please..." Goku pleads, pulling Sanzo in even closer, so that the monk's head is resting on his shoulder. "...tell me..."  
  
Sanzo replies with a final fit of desperate maneuvers to get away, but soon gives up the fight completely, knowing he is not meant to win. "...it...it was...my master...my...father..." the blonde strains to speak, and then decides to alter his description. "The man...who raised me as if I was his own son. He...he was...everything to me..."  
  
"And he...died?" Goku probes further.  
  
"...right in front of me..." Sanzo confirms. "...and all because of me..." he adds, his voice filled with tears, though none have dared fall from his heavy, violet eyes. "I...couldn't do anything...I was too slow...too weak...worthless..."  
  
Goku would have gasped if he'd had the air. "...like me..." he chokes, struck by so much he had forgotten.  
  
"...what?"  
  
"I remember now..." Goku begins in explanation. "...the day you died...the day Kenren and Tenpou died. It...it was all my fault..." His voice fades, and that old, uncomfortable silence washes over them like incessant waves. But Goku is not finished, because the story does not end there. "Demo...it doesn't matter, because...because I would never take back loving you, no matter how much it hurt to lose you. What we had...what we could have had...it was worth every ounce of pain."  
  
Sanzo pales at these words, and speaks without even realizing his lips are moving. "I...I would never erase loving him. Never..." And as the words flow from his mouth, he realizes they have been in him since the day his master died, even though he refused to give them life.

He made a vow to save himself from future pain, but in doing so, he had forgotten how worth it all that pain really was.  
  
A choking sob breaks free, disappearing into Goku's shoulder as Sanzo turns his head to bury his oncoming tears within the pair's embrace. The monk's entire body trembles and shakes, and Goku immediately begins to feel the dampness of tears soaking through his shirt.  
  
"I'm...such a fool..." Sanzo cries into that comforting shoulder, his words muffled, though not enough for Goku to miss the message. "...it's too late...too late. I...already...need you...more than I ever needed him..."  
  
Goku swallows hard at this admission, cradling Sanzo lovingly in his arms as the monk weeps gentle tears--tears that have been waiting years to find release.  
  
"...I already...couldn't bear losing you...because...because I...already...love you..." he whispers, so softly, had Goku breathed, he would have drowned the declaration out. "Heaven help me...I DO love you...Goku..."  
  
Instantly, Goku begins to shift, readjusting his body's position as his hold on Sanzo becomes suddenly new and unfamiliar, as if...he has become someone else in the blink of a tear-filled eye. "Ne...Sanzo...?" he prompts, sounding oddly confused.  
  
Pulling his face from the folds of Goku's shirt, Sanzo stares with red-rimmed eyes up into his companion's perplexed face. He knows immediately that the young man he is looking at is not the same monkey he had just been confessing to. "Goku...?"  
  
Goku grins, the expression reaching all the way to his eyes and making them shine brighter than any polished gold. "Yep." he laughs simply. "Past AND present accounted for."  
  
"Then...you...you're--"  
  
"Back? Seems like it. And, hey, seems I get to keep the old memories along with the rest. Lucky me."  
  
Contemplating this turn of events, Sanzo remains wrapped in Goku's arms even as his face twists suddenly to one of aggravation. "That bitch! She set this whole thing up so that the only way to get your memories back was admitting I loved you."  
  
Goku laughs openly at Sanzo's exclamation. "Kanzeon..." he chuckles, thoughtfully reminiscent of the goddess he remembers so well now. "She _would_ do something like that."  
  
Just as swiftly as he had returned to the familiar comfort of his temper, Sanzo deflates back to the young man who just recently stopped crying on his charge's shoulder. "...what do we do now?" he asks, hating how much like a lost child he sounds--and feels.  
  
A wicked grin takes over Goku's features. "Hot sex?"  
  
Sanzo stiffens, his face drained of all color before Goku can even finish his naughty suggestion.  
  
"Ehh...bad joke, huh?" the brunette laughs nervously, hoping to mend the damage he has just inflicted upon their newfound honesty.  
  
A moment of tense, awkward, and loaded silence passes, while both remain locked within the other's gaze.  
  
"Sanzo, listen...I can't promise I'll always be there, okay? I can't." Goku begins, keeping his golden eyes vigilantly fixed on Sanzo's violets. "Stuff happens, and one day...something might happen to me. But that doesn't mean I won't TRY to always be there. It doesn't mean I'll stop loving you. Yeah, in case you were wondering, THIS Goku loves you just as much as the younger version. And I might have never said a thing if not for Kanzeon's meddling. What matters is that past and present me loves you--Konzen, Sanzo, whatever--just the same. Can...can that be enough for you...?"  
  
"...I don't know." Sanzo replies, clumsily swiping at his damp eyes, and hating that HIS Goku is seeing him like this--so vulnerable. "Still..." he adds, finding it difficult to keep his eyes on Goku as Goku is so confidently doing in return. "...it would be...very foolish of me...to refuse you, wouldn't it? Now that I know...how I feel. So...I suppose...we could give this a try."  
  
The light in Goku's eyes, the depth of his sparkling smile, all beam brighter than the sun on a hot day in the middle of Summer.  
  
Still stubborn enough to feel slightly put off by such a loving expression, Sanzo tears his eyes away, and lays his head tentatively back on Goku's shoulder. "Can we just...stay here...for a while...?"  
  
"I don't think I could move right now anyway." Goku agrees, easing into the feel of Sanzo pressed in close against him.  
  
"Good. But if my legs start falling asleep, we're switching positions."  
  
Goku chuckles lightly into Sanzo's hair as he rests his head on top of his...love's. "Whatever you say..."

tbc...

A/N: Phew, that was a dozie, ne? Long and complicated, with lots of things going on. Don't worry, this isn't the end. I have another chapter in mind for certain, and I may or may not continue past that. The next delves further into Hakkai and Gojyo's relationship (per your request) and comfirms Sanzo and Goku's. Plus, I'll prolly throw in Kanzeon saying "I told you so!" just for kicks. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if you did, PLEASE REVIEW so I know how it was and if you have any further suggestions. (thanks for the grammer help on not/naught, by the way) ja, minna!

Crim


	6. 6

Same night, but now to a different room, with different occupants, and a very different level of affection. While Sanzo and Goku drift off to sleep on the floor of their room, the pair in the room next to them is busy getting ready for bed, though only one of them is honestly envisioning sleep.  
  
"How do you think those two are doing in there?" Hakkai inquires, only slightly betraying his apprehension concerning the pair in question. He is busying himself at the dresser by the far wall, making a bed for Hakuryuu out of an extra sheet.  
  
Lounging shirtless on _his _bed, Gojyo observes Hakkai intently, following every movement the graceful brunette makes, even if it is only a small, nervous gesture, like flexing his fingers, tired from a long day of curling them around the steering wheel of their jeep. "Who knows." he dismisses, not nearly as preoccupied with Hakkai's question as he is with the man himself. "Let's just hope the droopy-eyed monk doesn't put a bullet in that gaki's brain before sunrise."  
  
A mild laugh responds, and Hakkai lovingly strokes Hakuryuu's chin as the small dragon settles into his master's creation, before stepping back to begin freeing himself of his own accessories and clothing. "For Goku's sake, I hope Sanzo comes around soon." he comments, his back to his companion as he strips off his green headband and tosses it next to Hakuryuu on the desk. "Progress seems terribly slow, and I'm worried about Goku--past AND present versions."  
  
Gojyo nods noncomittingly, knowing Hakkai can't see him, but unable to offer anything more on his end of the conversation. He is enjoying watching his friend's movements so much, attention on anything else would be impossible.  
  
Untying his sash, Hakkai allows the cream-colored fabric to fall to the floor, and then begins to unbutton his collar, all the while still talking to Gojyo, who merely nods along, offering an occasional grunt of agreement.  
  
Shaking his head fiercely, Gojyo tries to clear his mind and focus on what Hakkai is telling him--out of politeness, if nothing else--but despite his best attempts, his skin heats significantly with each passing moment, reacting to Hakkai's owe so enticing strip-tease.  
  
Okay, so it isn't exactly a strip-tease, but seeing Hakkai with his shirt off is close enough, and Gojyo can't believe he hasn't paid more attention when the two of them have shared a room in the past. Normally, Hakkai changes while he is still out of the room, or so quickly, Gojyo doesn't even realize the brunette is suddenly wearing a different shirt.  
  
No missed moments or missed opportunities this time, though. Oh, no. Gojyo eyes every revealed inch of his companion's skin with increasing delight as Hakkai slips his shirt over his head and tosses it to the floor beside his sash. Naturally, Hakkai is facing AWAY from Gojyo as he does this-- revelations aside, the idea of anyone getting a full shot of his scar unnerves him greatly--but this does little to distract from Gojyo's excitement. The muscles of Hakkai's back are slender but well-formed. Nothing like the body of a woman.  
  
Funny. Gojyo wouldn't have it any other way.  
  
"Are you even listening to me?" Hakkai accuses, facing Gojyo head on now, fully clothed in his oversized nightshirt.  
  
Damn. Gojyo must have been daydreaming a little too intensely. Oh, well. The kappa merely grins and shrugs his shoulders. "Sanzo's a dick. I'm listening."  
  
Hakkai laughs gently again and rolls his eyes. His eyes--emerald green, though one is slightly more dimmed in color than the other. It is in realizing this that Gojyo notices Hakkai is no longer wearing his monocle.  
  
Time for bed.  
  
With great disappointment, Gojyo watches as the brunette heads for the _other _bed instead of joining him in his. "Hey...what are you doing?" he pouts, sitting up on the mattress with a very childish expression, as if being unfairly deprived of some promised treat.  
  
"Going to bed." Hakkai replies, not quite getting it, as he stops just before climbing under the covers.  
  
"I can see that." Gojyo frowns. "I just figured...well...I thought...you know..." he trails off purposefully, giving Hakkai a look that suggests the brunette is supposed to infer what he means. Hakkai stares back at him blankly. "Damn it, are you really going to make me say it?"  
  
Sighing loudly, Hakkai slumps into a sitting position on the edge of _his _bed. "Yes, I am, because I don't think I understand what you're expecting of me."  
  
"I'm not expecting anything!"  
  
Hakkai raises an eyebrow accusingly.  
  
"Okay, maybe I am. WAS!" Gojyo corrects instantly, holding up his hands in defense. "But only a little. It's not like we have to _do _anything, I just...figured you'd be sleeping in here with me. We woke up pretty snugly this morning."  
  
Hakkai clears his throat awkwardly, staring down at his hands. "Well...we were on the floor, and...we only had the one blanket, so...so..."  
  
"So...we were conserving body heat?" Gojyo finishes incredulously. "Somehow, I don't think so."  
  
A tiny blush and bashful smile overshadows Hakkai's features. "I know." he admits softly, fiddling his thumbs and avoiding Gojyo's constant stare. "Of course...you're right...it's... it's only...I..." He is obviously distressed, and cannot bring himself to form words of explanation.  
  
"What, Hakkai?" Gojyo presses, firmly but with clear patience and understanding, now sitting on the edge of his bed as well, in mirror-image of his friend. "You're not making sense."  
  
Hakkai contemplates how to explain his feelings for longer than Gojyo's patience can usually hold out, but eventually, he raises his head and looks timidly into his friend's crimson gaze. "Being...IN BED together...represents so much more than merely...BEING together. It...expects something. I know you would never force anything on me, but...it still feels like there's an unspoken obligation, and...I don't how ready I am for that." Hakkai pauses, flitting his gaze back and forth between Gojyo and his own slender hands. "I know I'm being foolish--"  
  
"Nah, I get it." Gojyo cuts in, leaning back on his elbows dejectedly, though he offers his companion his best attempt at a customary wink and lazy grin. "I'm kinda hoping you'll change your mind, but...I get it."  
  
Gojyo is clearly hurt by Hakkai's explanation--despite his efforts to show understanding--mainly because he feels as if Hakkai doesn't trust him. It is true the redhead's scenario for tonight hadn't been based on the purest of intentions, but that doesn't mean he would ever try to do something Hakkai didn't want just as badly as him.  
  
Even if the brunette wasn't as adept as he is at reading others, Hakkai couldn't miss Gojyo's heartbrokenness for anything. Really, what right does he have to be afraid? Barring all else, Gojyo is still his friend. Besides, it isn't as if Hakkai hasn't thought about them being in bed together. The idea still scares him a little, but he is no fool, and he recognizes the swirling of emotions raging in the pit of his stomach.  
  
_Low _in the pit of his stomach.  
  
With a final surge of misshapen resolve, Hakkai pushes himself off his bed and crosses over to Gojyo's, nudging the redhead to the other side of the mattress to make room. "You better not hog the covers again." he chides, nearly having to hold his breath to keep the heat from rising to his face as it is spreading throughout the rest of his body.  
  
Gojyo does his best to suppress the over-enthusiatic grin wanting so desperately to take over his features, but is content to merely snuggle into the brunette's embrace as Hakkai pulls the covers over them and wraps loving arms around his waist. "So..." the amorous kappa begins coyly, peering up into Hakkai's flushed face. "...do I get a goodnight kiss?"  
  
A very unsurprised chuckle. "You never know when to quit, do you?"  
  
"Nope." Gojyo admits happily, waiting expectantly for what he has asked for.  
  
Licking his lips absently, Hakkai abandons all hope for claiming control over his blush, and tilts his face closer to Gojyo's until those now damp lips meet another's.  
  
It begins like their first, very soft and undemanding, but this time Gojyo is the one to press further, easing his tongue past Hakkai's lips with all too familiar liberty. Hakkai sighs, meeting that caress openly, eagerly, and clutches vigorously at the small of Gojyo's back, pulling the red-head unintentionally closer.  
  
They break apart, half-lidded eyes gazing heavily at one another, before Gojyo hungrily dives in again, deeper, more forceful, but not so much that Hakkai couldn't tone things down if he really wanted to.  
  
He doesn't.  
  
They break again to catch their breaths, but this time, when Gojyo goes back for more, he rolls, pushing Hakkai down into the mattress. As their breathing picks up pace, their kisses deepen, and soon Gojyo is readjusting his position so that he has a leg on either side of Hakkai's now pinned body.  
  
When they break apart once more, Gojyo daringly begins running his tongue teasingly down Hakkai's jaw and lower down his neck, only to sweep up again until catching the brunette's earlobe to nibble at it erotically, as if hinting at all the other wonders that tongue is capable of.  
  
Hakkai gasps and shudders loudly, his eyes rolling back into his head in ecstasy as Gojyo continues the assault back down his exposed neck, pulling at the collar of his shirt to delve into the groves of his shoulders. Silently scolding himself for offering so little in reciprocation, Hakkai strokes down Gojyo's back with one hand and digs the other deep into those loose, red locks. Slowly, he begins running his toes up along Gojyo's leg, producing contented moans from his companion at such a delicious combination of sensations.  
  
Oh yes, Hakkai knew things would easily succumb to this, but his fear is won out by how marvelous Gojyo's touches feel against his skin.  
  
Gojyo is not usually a patient man, but in something like this, he understand all too well the value of gradual progress. Still pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses into Hakkai neck and shoulders, he carefully lifts up on his prey's nightshirt, running his large hands up those slender, toned sides. He feels Hakkai shiver slightly--ticklish--and obediently moves his caresses to brush lightly over the brunette's chest. So feather-light, in fact, it forces a deep purr from between Hakkai's lips.  
  
Gojyo reels; that has got to be the sexiest sound he has ever heard.  
  
Anxiously slipping Hakkai's arms from his shirt, Gojyo tugs the distracting article up over Hakkai's head and tosses it backwards into the air to land somewhere unseen on the floor. He works lower now, striking those same tantalizing kisses down Hakkai's bare chest.

Hakkai is in utter rapture, digging his nails into Gojyo's back carelessly enough to leave countless red lines over that tanned skin. Gojyo could care less, though, and Hakkai couldn't stop himself even if he tried.  
  
Gods, this feels incredible, Hakkai thinks vaguely, imagining that nothing has ever felt as wonderful as Gojyo's lips and strong hands ravaging his burning skin. Nothing could have ever felt as perfect or intimate, not even...  
  
Hakkai tenses, his so recently closed eyes springing open at the unwanted image of someone besides his dear friend flashing through his mind. A moment later, Gojyo's lips reach low enough on Hakkai's stomach to pass over a large patch of rubbery skin--scar tissue.  
  
The scar...  
  
"G-Gojyo..." Hakkai gasps, pushing the redhead away more forcefully than he intended. "...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, but...I don't think...I can do this..."  
  
Gojyo has been pushed upwards, not to the side, so he hovers above Hakkai with both hands supporting him, placed on either side of Hakkai's still heated body. The kappa's hair veils his face completely, and the sound of his shallow breathing is so intent, so overly controlled, it seems as though he is struggling to keep his temper in check.  
  
Hakkai tears his eyes away from that curtain of crimson, agonizingly turning his head to the side. "You're angry, aren't you...?"  
  
Huffing indignantly, Gojyo lowers himself back down, wrapping his arms around Hakkai's waist with his head tucked under the brunette's chin. "No...I'm not angry." he sighs, snuggling cozily into Hakkai's chest. "There's nothing to be angry about, ya got me? So...sorry I pushed."  
  
"Me, too." Hakkai smiles, slipping his arms around Gojyo in return, and breathing internal relief at the redhead's understanding. "What I mean is...sorry I pushed you away."  
  
"It's okay. I know that, eventually...you won't. And I can live with that for now."  
  
Tears of frustration and grief had almost found their way trickling down Hakkai's cheeks, and they almost do again out of pure joy at finding something that honestly asks for no more than he can give.  
  
Pulling Gojyo tighter into his chest, Hakkai tilts his chin down to kiss the top of his friend's head and nuzzles that soft hair, feeling content and capable of putting all his fears behind him--one small step at a time.  
  
Step one...  
  
"...Gojyo..." he whispers, stroking soothing circles over the redhead's tanned back. "...suki da, yo...haha...daisuki da, yo..."  
  
Gojyo's body instantly becomes rigid and his arms seem suddenly limp around Hakkai's slender waist. He does not let go or move away, but his discomfort is clear, and Hakkai senses it easily, slowly allowing his own arms to fall back against the mattress.  
  
"...you don't...feel the same..." he breathes, not as a question, but as a devastatingly hurt statement of believed fact.  
  
"It's not that..." Gojyo mends, renewing his faltered grip. "...it...it's just...I'm not so good with the emotional stuff, ya know? I don't do...love."  
  
Now it is Hakkai's turn to flinch, and he nearly pushes Gojyo off of him completely, ready to flee from the bed and escape the room at any foolish cost. But...he doesn't. Even if Gojyo had given him room to leave, Hakkai wouldn't have taken the opportunity. It would hurt even more than being left--leaving behind the only joy he has been able to find since...his old self died.  
  
"I mean...I never used to. Wouldn't allow myself to." Gojyo finishes, sniffling miserably as he digs even fiercer into Hakkai's chest. "Shit...please don't hate me..."  
  
Discovering warmth and impossibility even within the dark, Hakkai's hurt fades with a smile--an honest smile--and he tentatively brings his arms up again to rest on Gojyo's back. "I just told you I loved you. Why would I hate you?"  
  
"...'cause I'm an idiot..."  
  
"True...but that's no reason to hate you." Hakkai chuckles, lowering his gaze, and latching on to Gojyo's the second that fearful kappa looks up in return. "You have offered me time to overcome my fears. I offer you the same, and I hope...some day...you will be able to say those words back to me."  
  
Gojyo grins gratefully in reply, but loses the expression the moment he tries to speak, failing again and again as his mouth opens and closes, never quite capable of getting out the words he means to release.  
  
"You don't have to say them right now." Hakkai laughs back, oddly humored by Gojyo's attempts. "There's no rush."  
  
"Like hell there isn't!" Gojyo dissents, suddenly finding his voice, once given easier words to work with. "What guarantee do we have that one of us--maybe both--will end up dead tomorrow, huh? That's why you're supposed to say words like that everyday, so you never regret holding them back."  
  
Hakkai blushes softly and allows his smile to widen just a bit more. "That's beautiful, Gojyo."  
  
"Ah, shuddup." the kappa blushes back, before tearing his eyes away from the heartbreakingly loving expression on Hakkai's gorgeous face.  
  
He snuggles in deeply again, fitting so perfectly with his head beneath Hakkai's chin, his arms around the brunette's waist, and their legs interlacing. For a moment, things are fine just as they are with the two of them content merely holding one another, and with Hakkai once again making those petal-soft circles on Gojyo's back.  
  
"...Hakkai...?" Gojyo whispers, absently tracing similar circles on his companion's chest. "...love you..."  
  
And Hakkai smiles again--just smiles, for no more words are needed--and with the soft, rhythmic touch of each other's warm hands on equally warm skin, the pair is asleep in barely no time at all, happy to dream their fears away.  
  
-----  
  
Sunrises are a peculiar thing; they never ask anything of anyone and yet they offer everything in just a handful of breathtaking moments. People fall in love to sunrises. Children are born to sunrises. Life can take a whole new direction to even the simplest of sunrises.  
  
Of course, a few less defining moments occur at sunrise, too. Like...waking up.  
  
Sanzo's well-rested eyes flutter groggily, blinking past miraculously sweet dreams. It has been far longer than he wishes to remember since he slept so well, and yet he can distinctly feel a very unwelcome crick in his side and at the base of his neck from the somewhat awkward position he had spent the night in.  
  
He takes a moment to drink up those final few breaths of blissful slumber, digging a little more deeply into his pillow's shoulder. But before long, he allows his uncanny eyes to flutter open.  
  
When those drooping, violet eyes lift their heavy lids, however, Sanzo is not met with the view of that gorgeous sunrise from his bedroom window. He finds himself looking right into a pair of prying, omnipotent eyes wholly unlike his, regarding him with the faintest traces of proud contentment.  
  
"Oh, don't mind me." Kanzeon smirks, whispering so as to not awake the slumbering Goku, whom Sanzo is so adorably cuddled against. "Just admiring the fruits of victory. Not to mention the view."  
  
Sanzo scowls, but wanting to wake Goku no more than Kanzeon does, he refrains from untangling himself to get up. "I'd strangle you if I wasn't--"  
  
"Blissfully...occupied?" the goddess finishes, eyeing the way Sanzo's arms are coiled about the monkey's waist rather low.  
  
Following her gaze, Sanzo has to fight quite firmly to quell his blush. "If you're here to say 'I told you so'..."  
  
"Oh I am, because I _did_, but...I'm also here to ensure you don't screw things up after last night's confessions. It would be rather cowardly of you to back out now, you know?"  
  
"My life is none of your business!" Sanzo seethes, raising his tone to an angry hiss.  
  
Kanzeon pulls back to stand up straight--proud and tall. "YOUR life is not the only one involved." she huffs. "Besides, I'm only asking for an itsy bitsy favor." Slyly, she bends down again, and leans forward to whisper very softly beside Sanzo's ear. "Don't break the boy's heart."  
  
Sanzo's face falls, and he pales slightly when she pulls away again to look him in the eye. He is slouched low against the wall, being held by Goku far more than he is holding in return, with his head on the monkey's shoulder instead of the other way around as one would expect.  
  
Sleeping so soundly, Goku's chest rises evenly with each small breath, and though his golden eyes never fail to weaken Sanzo--something the stubborn monk would never admit to--even closed that sweet, young face melts any doubts he may have had left.  
  
"I told him I would try." he breathes, tearing his eyes from the brunette's soft features to face his oh-so-clever attacker. "I gave him my word. And Genjo Sanzo...along with any other name one may give me...never goes back on his word."  
  
A broad, almost motherly smile widens across Kanzeon's face. "Good luck then...Sanzo." she offers softly. "I wish you a safe journey west...and all the happiness in the world. So..." Her smile twitches into a lovely smirk. "...don't fuck up. Ne?" And with a wink, and all her characteristic glamours, she poofs away, leaving the two young men alone.  
  
Almost instantly, Goku begins to stir, absently squeezing Sanzo more tightly against his side. "....mmm...Sanzo...did you say something...?" he murmurs, begrudgingly opening his large, golden eyes.  
  
Not wanting to give up the quiet joy of having a sleeping Goku beside him, Sanzo grimaces. "Go back to sleep, baka."  
  
Goku grumbles disgruntledly, rousing himself fully with the common discontentment of Sanzo's insults. "I'm not the only baka, you know?" he counters. "We're both going to be sore after sleeping like this. Anyway..." he breaks off to yawn, large and loud. "...mmm...we should probably get up before Hakkai and Gojyo--"  
  
"Rise and shine, love birds!" calls the voice of that very redhead before Goku can finish, and in a flash, Gojyo is bursting through their bedroom door, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to start the day. He stops dead upon seeing the pair on the floor, but allows a naughty grin to replace his obvious shock. "Shit...don't tell me the bakazaru got more action last night than I did."  
  
The only word of that sentence Goku catches is the one that never fails to ignite his temper--at least when Gojyo is the one to say it.  
  
Leaping up from his once cuddly position--resulting in Sanzo thudding fully to the floor without something to lean against--Goku rushes over to his red-haired companion, fists raised.  
  
"Don't call me bakazaru, you ero-kappa! Can't you knock like a normal person!?"  
  
Not one to EVER back down from a fight, Gojyo looms over Goku threateningly. "Who're you calling an ero-kappa, you--" But is stripped of all his steam before erupting completely. His face loses its tan for a moment as he backs off, looking down at the young monkey curiously. "Hang on a sec...did...you just call me..." He trails off, succumbing to an immensely hopeful grin. "Saru? Is that the _real _you?"  
  
Goku pales as well, but such coloring is easily replaced by the boy's uncontrollable blushing. "Uhhh...yes?"  
  
"I'll be damned..." the kappa laughs, reaching out to hook Goku under his arm in a half-hug, slightly more reminiscent of a headlock. "Good to have you back, dork." he chuckles, ruffling the monkey's already sleep-tousled hair. Then, whispering discreetly. "...and way to go with Buddha-boy over there."  
  
Blushing all the more, Goku struggles to get out of his friend's hold. "Gojyo..."  
  
Ignoring the bonding of his friends, Sanzo gets to his feet and stretches, deciding he can punish Goku for his recklessness later. Besides, he could really use a smoke.  
  
"Hey, what's going on in here?" calls the missing member of the group, peaking his lovely smile around the door frame with a chirping Hakuryuu perched on his shoulder. "Sanzo? Goku? Gojyo...?" Hakkai's eyes linger on the close proximity Gojyo has pulled Goku to against his side.  
  
Overcome by--albeit unjustified--guilt, Gojyo releases Goku swiftly, shifting to punch the younger man lightly in the shoulder. "Heh. Don't be jealous, baby. Just welcoming back our resident monkey-boy, is all."  
  
Hakkai's ever-present smile broadens. "Oh? You have your memories back then?"  
  
Glaring only a little angrily at Gojyo for handling him so roughly, Goku smiles at Hakkai and nods. He then--discreetly--kicks Gojyo in the shins.  
  
"Wonderful." Hakkai beams, followed by a gleeful 'kyuu' from Hakuryuu. "So...what brought this about?"  
  
Goku opens his mouth to speak, but doesn't really know what to say. His eyes dart nervously to Sanzo, who is sitting on the bed with that much-needed cancer stick between his lips. "Ummm....well...ya see..."  
  
Not even bothering to look at any of the others, Sanzo puffs out a long exhale of grey smoke, and speaks. "I told him I loved him." he offers nonchalantly, taking another drag the moment those words leave his mouth. His companions look back at him dumbfounded, but somehow, it doesn't seem to bother him. "If you want breakfast, get it now." he explains, rising from the bed and heading for the still open door. "We should be on the road within the hour." And striding fluidly past them, he is suddenly out the door, just as coolly as if this was any other morning.  
  
"Okay...so...when was he abducted by aliens again?" Gojyo asks with a highly raised crimson eyebrow.  
  
Goku can only stare at his master's retreating form in wonder. "Wow..." he breathes with a blush, so IN love, nothing else is really necessary.  
  
With that same old smile--though holding much more genuine beauty than its numerous predecessors--Hakkai reaches up to stroke Hakuryuu gently on the head. "What did I tell you? I knew it was only a matter of time."  
  
-----  
  
Later, in the jeep...  
  
"This is MY meatbun, you bottomless pit! Learn a little self-control, would ya?"  
  
"Like you're one to talk, ero-kappa! Give it back!"  
  
"Shove it, bakazaru! I don't want your grubby, little claws on MY food!"  
  
"Oh yeah--?!"  
  
"URUSAI!!" Bang! Thwap! Thwap!  
  
I'm sure you can guess what happened.  
  
"If either of you says one more word the rest of this trip, you're getting a bullet in the head! Think I'm not being serious? TRY ME! Now...sit down, shut up...and give Goku the damn bun."  
  
Pouting in the back seat as he nurses an injured head from Sanzo's fan, Gojyo's eyes spring wide at this final command, instantly jolting him forward. "What?! Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Just because you're sleepin' with the kid--"  
  
Bang!  
  
"...I mean...in a committed and loving relationship...doesn't mean you have the right to give the monkey special treatment."  
  
Sanzo somehow grows taller--up on his knees on his seat, facing the two dimwits in the back--and fingers the trigger of his gun menacingly. "Who said anything about special treatment? I just don't want him whining about being hungry two minutes into the trip."  
  
"He'll do that anyway!"  
  
"Umm...minna...?" Hakkai begins gently, forever the mediator. "Have you considered splitting the bun?"  
  
Gojyo and Sanzo simultaneously turn. "Shut up!"  
  
Hakkai merely laughs, easily continuing along the road as his friends continue their argument.  
  
"Just give him the bun, Gojyo." Sanzo says in a warning tone. "Or...I'll slice off that precious hair of yours and feed it to him as replacement."  
  
Opening his mouth to protest, Gojyo instantly closes it again, crumbling under that horrible threat. "Hn..." he huffs, bitterly tossing the meatbun into Goku's lap. "Wasn't hungry anyway."  
  
Goku positively beams, holding up the bun as if it holds the key to immortality. "Arigato, Sanzo!!" he cries happily, before ravenously sinking his teeth into the prize.  
  
Sanzo says nothing in reply, but fights down a smile that longs so dearly to seep into his expression as he turn back around to sit properly in his seat once more.  
  
While Sanzo sits silent, Goku sits munching, and Gojyo sits with his arms indignantly crossed over his chest, Hakkai peers into the rearview mirror until at last catching the cheated redhead's attention. Obediently, Gojyo leans forward, bringing his face daringly close to his friend's.  
  
Hakkai relishes in that closeness, and with one hand--the other remaining on the steering wheel--he reaches up to twine his fingers through Gojyo's lovely locks. "I'd never allow such a thing, you know?" he whispers, never once taking his eyes off the road. "To defile such beauty would be a grievous sin."  
  
Gojyo smirks, the bun long forgotten, and pecks Hakkai chastely on the cheek. "I'll never chop it again."  
  
A few blissfully silent minutes pass as the group travels--Sanzo feigning sleep, Hakkai driving, Gojyo daydreaming naughty scenarios, and Goku finishing off his cherished snack.  
  
_'Arigato...Kanzeon.' _thinks the monkey contentedly, licking his fingers of the last few traces of crumbs. _'I couldn't have done all this without you.'  
  
'My pleasure, Goku precious.' _answers the goddess' voice into his mind. _'You owe me one, though. Somewhere down the line._'  
  
_'I know. And...I'm only gonna ask this...not 'cause I need it, or anything...but...well...are the others ever going to get _their _old memories back?'  
  
'Eventually. But...we'll save that for another adventure.'  
  
_Leaning back in utter bliss for a moment, Goku takes in all the wonders of the past few days. So many impossibilities and fulfilled dreams. So much pain. But with so much joy and sheer beauty in the expanse of love, all that pain was more than worth it.  
  
Leaning forward, Goku peeks around Sanzo's seat at the monk's peaceful expression as he seemingly sleeps, and with a large smile that spreads all the way to his golden eyes, he places a soft kiss to the blonde's temple, and whispers something that magically brings a minuscule smile to the 'slumbering' monk's face.  
  
Remember, boys and girls, not even the impossible is ever truly impossible. Especially when love is involved. Sweet dreams...  
  
owari  
  
A/N: So sorry for taking so long, but once xmas break started, I went from family, to friends, to being sick for a week, to working, to...all of it at the same time and then some. Anyway, it's finally finished, and I think I am rather pleased with how it turned out. Hope you are too, and I REALLY hope you will all REVIEW and tell me so (constructive critisism is also welcome). Thanks a bunch, minna. Love you all, and...see ya next ficcie!  
  
Crimson


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